Spoons: The Bane of Human Existence

It’s a fact: Spoons are outdated. Their conspiratorial machinations have gone far enough, and it is time for us to deal with them accordingly. It is no longer a debate whether forks or spoons are better, but to examine the question further, our journalists have inquired with some of the world’s top experts on cutlery. First, we interview my dear, beloved brother Joshua, formerly a foremost spoonology expert and spoon proponent whose recent conversion to the cult of forks has inspired many to do the same and abstain from the usage of spoons.

Caleb: Welcome! I assume you are already aware that spoons currently pose the single greatest threat to society as we know it. What are your thoughts on the current problem?

Joshua: First off, I would like to recognize that this is a sensitive topic for many people that have been on the wrong end of an encounter with a spoon and our hearts go out to all those affected. Regarding my thoughts on the question at hand, I consider spoons to be quite problematic. They do indeed endanger our livelihoods in countless ways; I believe we can all agree that they are a deplorable abomination of 21st-century civilization.

Caleb: In what ways do they endanger our livelihood and why is this a problematic trend?

Joshua: I would say that spoons endanger our livelihood because they can do strange things to people. Most places were not very civilized during the Middle Ages and before. Why? Because forks weren't invented yet and everyone used spoons! If you look at some of the most hated people of all time, all of them used spoons. This is not a coincidence, folks.

Caleb: Exactly. As the old proverb goes, I forgot the exact wording, but bear with me, "Spoons are the root of all evil." Why do you think it is that the deadly and toxic idea of spoons has infiltrated our society to the extent that it has?

Joshua: I would say laziness is the main factor. People get into the habit of using spoons before they are even able to walk. Most people are oblivious to the hazards of spoons and continue to use them on a daily basis. It's heartbreaking, really.

Caleb: What are some of the hazards that spoons pose, and why do you think parents have for so long allowed their children to be indoctrinated by spoons?

Joshua: Spoons pose a lot of hazards, even many that our readers may not be aware of. I would say that parents allow their children to use spoons either out of ill intent or simply a lack of proper education.

Caleb: What do you think can be done to educate parents and to solve this problem posed by spoons?

Joshua: I would say the government really needs to step up and begin to include utensil education as a part of the regular school curriculum.

Caleb: How should we encourage people to utilize alternate cutlery choices in this curriculum?

Joshua: I think that if teachers can tell the truth about the dangers of certain utensils, then that will empower students to make a good choice for themselves

Caleb: In what ways do you think spoons have damaged our way of life and threatened the durability of our civilization?

Joshua: Well, one factor is that studies have shown that eating with a fork tends to be more nutritional, because the eater consumes less food on average and overeating is rarer

Caleb: Do you think that that study exemplifies the undeniable fact that spoons have for years been conspiring to damage and abolish the human race?

Joshua: Oh, for sure. You can't deny it.

Caleb: What do you make of the recent allegations that spoons are plotting world domination and the solid evidence, including classified transcripts, that exist to prove it?

Joshua: You know, when I first heard the news, it didn't come as much of a surprise, honestly. I knew that they were up to no good and it was only a matter of time before it was official.

Caleb: Recently, a proposal has been made by prominent lawmakers to enforce the melting down of all spoons to be remade as forks. Do you support this plan, and why?

Joshua: Yes, I fully endorse it. I think that it would be a great way to help people make sensible choices on a daily basis.

Caleb: Do you think all spoons are evil, or only some of them? If only some, would you still support the melting of all spoons or just the evil ones and be forced to bear the brunt of the cost that it would take to discern which is which?

Joshua: You know, I can't say for sure whether they are all evil or not. They all do harm to the world at large, but some of them may be good-intentioned. I can't say for sure. I would, however, support melting them all down. It would be too costly to try and figure out the evilness level of each and every spoon. Besides, keeping even a few of them around wouldn't be beneficial either.

Caleb: Do you have any personal scarring anecdotes to illustrate the danger of spoons?

Joshua: Recently, a tragic incident occurred. I was ganged up on by a spoon and a jello dish, which had the intended result of burning my thumb on the extremely hot metal spoon in order to slow my crusade against spoons. I can still feel the ramifications of it about a week later.

Caleb: Do you think that this is a telltale sign that jello dishes may also be conspiring against humanity?

Joshua: It’s tough to tell because, you know how I have a deep admiration for jello dishes, but if repeated incidents like this continue to occur, we may have to accept the hard truth.

Caleb: Do you think that keeping spoons around endangers others by allowing tragedies like this to ruin multitudes of people's lives every day?

Joshua: Certainly

Caleb: Do you think that the evilness of spoons is a more recent development? Or has this been a recurring problem throughout history?

Joshua: It has most definitely been a recurring problem

Caleb: What time frame do you think we are looking at to reverse our trajectory in regard to spoons before it is too late?

Joshua: I am not an expert, but it probably will be too late by 2030. We need to act now.

Caleb: Thanks for your time!

Joshua: You're welcome

Caleb: And may the forks be with you

Joshua: And you too

Caleb: Amen

Next, to get the full scoop on what the spoons are up to, we question Queenie, an expert in Spoonish languages and cryptography who has dedicated her life to the abolition of spoons and has pledged to only use them for disgusting and unsavory tasks such as the consumption of cereal.

Caleb: Welcome! I assume you are already aware that spoons currently pose the single greatest threat to society as we know it. What are your thoughts on the current problem?

Queenie: Finally my time to shine. Spoons pose a great threat to a humans munching capabilities, they fail to hold food, and they fail to do the single job assigned to them. Away with the spoons.

Caleb: In what ways are human munching capabilities threatened by spoons, and why should we be concerned?

Queenie: The spoons fail to do their duty. Therefore, they are inevitably going to have a spoon uprising. This is dangerous and threatens human existence

Caleb: Some may question the verity of this statement and dismiss it as a conspiracy theory. What do you have to say to those who still doubt that spoons are plotting world domination?

Queenie: Well some would question the verity of your existence, Janet, yet here you are questioning me. Also, you have the audacity to be brutally burnt by hot soup on spoons and still side with the spoons????

Caleb: No, I am a firm believer in the spoons world-conquering capabilities. But many aren't. What would you say is the most convincing piece of evidence that points to an underlying nefarious plot devised by hollowed-out semi spheres of utensils?

Queenie: Probably the fact that they have a single job. To feed us. A very important job. They have been literally crafted for this. And yet they are completely useless for so many foods, and fail to carry the foods that they're supposed to carry.

Caleb: Right. So you interpret this as an undeniable sign that the spoons are distracted from their job because they are busy hatching their schemes for world domination?

Queenie: Yes! It’s the only option left.

Caleb: Right! Next question: Why do you think it is that the dangerous idea of spoons has been allowed to infiltrate our society to the extent that they have?

Queenie: The ridiculous and toxic ideas of 'Fancy' and 'etiquette' I mean I'm all down for etiquette but stop making etiquette an absolute inconvenience and threat to human life.

Caleb: So, in other words, this idea of etiquette has been used as justification for the introduction of deadly products such as spoons to daily life and facilitated the infiltration of this abomination that daily wrecks the lives of so many?

Queenie: Yes!

Caleb: What do you think can be done to solve this problem?

Queenie: If a spoon dumps your food, immediately burn it.

Caleb: Unfortunately, burning a spoon generally does very little damage to it because it is made of metal. What should the unfortunate owners of metal spoons do in this situation?

Queenie: Burn it anyways.

Caleb: Would you support the current resolution that has been introduced by lawmakers to enforce the melting down of all spoons nationwide and to remake them into forks? Proponents also observe that by forcing everyone to utilize forks, we can better end inequality.

Queenie: Absolutely! The fork kingdom hath been oppressed far too long, it's time we added to their forces.

Caleb: What positive benefits do you think this nation would experience if we abolished spoons in favor of mandatory forks?

Queenie: Obviously to say that every spoon is acting against the human population would be a sad generalization. I'm sure there are some spoons that are fond of humans. Thus, whenever a spoon acts up, send it for smelting and not a moment sooner, but if we did so, national security would be protected.

Caleb: So you think that there are still some spoons that are not dangerous. Do you think that the nefarious actions of spoons is a pattern repeated throughout history? Or is this a more recent threat? It seems to me that you support the melting down of spoons only when it seems likely that they are among those who plot to overthrow humanity. Do you see any risk involved in this plan that would allow many spoons to continue living as long as they lie low and do not advertise their evil plans?

Queenie: From the time of their creation, spoons have had nefarious plans of human erasure. Some have, however, grown fond of humans and refused to join in their comrades’ schemes. These spoons ought to be protected. It is in the nature of a spoon to blabber, so they can not lie low. It goes against their nature

Caleb: But this plan to protect the nice spoons would be very expensive. We would have to station experts in the Spoonish tongues everywhere to make sure we knew what they were plotting.

Queenie: That would be part two. Everyone should take mandatory Spoonish lessons!

Caleb: Seems like it would be a lot of effort just to save the spoons which are still good. Do you think that the preservation of the good spoons is worth it?

Queenie: I do! We must never lose track of justice while pursuing National security. The innocents must be protected

Caleb: What do you think can be done to encourage people to utilize alternate cutlery choices?

Queenie: Stab them with spoons until they realize how dangerous spoons are.

Caleb: So, you would encourage readers to go out and stab anyone they see using a spoon?

Queenie: Yes!

Caleb: In what ways have spoons damaged our way of life?

Queenie: They damage our dignity by refusing to work, they damage out tongues by burning them with hot soup, and they damage our future by taking up useless space in the cabinet when the forks could be there. The spoons will conquer the world! They will choose a spoon queen from among themselves, and this queen will decide to devour humankind! We will all perish!

Caleb: I have heard that you are an expert in decoding the classified transmissions of spoons. Could you share with our readers some of the most condemning things that these spoons have said that would support such a theory?

Queenie: Of course! I'll list some:

"Code red. Janespoon is almost halfway to her mouth and is not hot enough to burn the human on contact. I repeat: code red"

"The queen election will begin soon... List of questions for debate include 'what is best way to kill all humans', 'how can we best torture the slavers for eternity', 'what steps will you take to ensure that the scientists studying spoon evolution research will be funded'..."

There are others, but you understand that I can not share all transmissions due to the secrecy required to win this war.

Caleb: Thank you for these. I am sure readers will be fascinated by these new revelations. Do you have any personal scarring anecdotes to illustrate the danger of spoons?

Queenie: I am the owner of a ghastly scar on my knuckle caused by an evil spoon. I was holding the monster over the stove for a science experiment regarding the most inhumane ways to kill them, but it leaped out of my hand and landed on the back of my knuckle, burning me pretty badly and making a getaway to escape its timely demise.

Caleb: What sort of timeframe do you think that we are looking at in which we will need to change our trajectory in terms of spoons before it is too late?

Queenie: Sometime in the next five years. Their plans are almost to fruition.

Caleb: So, clearly, the threat that spoons pose to our civilization is not to be underestimated and will be reaching a climax in the near future. Do you have any closing remarks for our audience?

Queenie: Yes! Heed my words, forks are superior!

Caleb: thank you for your time. I am sure that this will be enlightening to many of our readers.

Queenie: Glad I was able to help!

Caleb: May the forks be with you.

Clearly, the evidence suggests that the underlying and immediate threats of spoons far surpass their utility value. As Theo Yoder mentions, the spoon is “the peasant of the utensils. A spoon is used when it seems like the appropriate choice. If you have a bowl of tomato soup steaming in front of you or a bowl of ice cream just waiting to be eaten, your best option seems to be a spoon, but there is an alternative. There is no food that exists that you can eat with a spoon that you can not either drink, eat with your hands or eat with a fork and knife. You can drink soup, you can eat ice cream with a fork, but you can not, for example, eat meat with a spoon. What, are you, crazy? The spoon is the most useless out of the three power tools: fork, knife and spoon.”

What may be worse is that there are, in fact, humans complicit in this plot. According to our trusted Singaporean sources, the Indonesian government is assisting the spoons by supplying them with weapons and hunting down fork supporters in the country. These fork rights violations must be stopped, and petitions have been created to end these atrocities.

Though for years, many have doubted the uselessness of spoons, many are now coming around to the idea, 42% to be exact according to recent polling data. Other recent polls show that 88% hold forks to be the superior utensil to spoons, both encouraging signs. The holdouts for spoons defend them by citing their usefulness in the following areas:

1. Digging holes out of prison
2. Amputating your arm in a painful manner
3. Digging out eyes
4. Distracting people
5. Using as a makeshift slingshot for food

In conclusion, the way of the fork is clearly superior to any other lifestyle. For centuries, spoons have been slowly eating away at our way of life, stealing our jobs, possessions, taste buds, brain cells, and even human decency. They are an outdated institution that must be abolished. Thank you for reading, and may the forks be with you.