The Tales of GrandOldLand #1: The Conquest of Canada
Last updated: Wednesday April 21st, 2021
Hello, this is the story of how the historic empire GrandOldLand came to be! So, listen carefully and don't be afraid!
Note: This is a fictional story inspired by GeoSmartKirbyXD
British Columbia: Some mayor of a city within our province gave hostile threats! What do you guys think I should do?
Ontario: No one cares!
British Columbia: Quebec?
Quebec: No one cares! Stop bothering us!
British Columbia (Sighing): Alberta?
Alberta: Send some spies over there or something. I don't know.
British Columbia: Good idea!
Two weeks later in GrandOldCapitol...three spies are crouched over a hill with binoculars...
Spy 1: I really need to go to the bathroom!
Spy 2 (Slapping Spy 1): Shut up Tony! You're gonna get us caught!
Spy 3: Guys! An army is drilling directly below us...
(All look down and hold their ears out)
Army Commander (Repeating the same words): Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut!...
Spy 2 (Gasping): How is this possible...they appear to be speaking in code.
Tony: More like their own language!
Spy 3 (Way too loudly): You're right!
(Spy 3 waits for them to look at him quizzically. He then proceeds to pull his firearm out of his belt and shoot Spy 2.)
Tony: Alberci! NOOOOOO!!!! How could you do this Charles...
(A look of hurt and betrayal crosses his face. Charles shoots him as well.)
Commander (Walking over to Charles): Fahrajé, Caatu! Vi pesa taictcha!
Translation: Well done, Charles! You are a great double agent!
(Caatu gives a guilty nod and stands in line with the other soldiers)
Commander: Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut!...
Ten days later...
British Columbia: Alberta! We found two of our skilled spies murdered!
Alberta (Shocked): This can only mean one thing. This town needs to be burnt down to ashes. We should gather our troops.
British Columbia: Why so soon?
Alberta: We sent three spies out there. Two were murdered, and they showed no sign of resistance...the third was a double agent, and we have no idea how many more lay within our trusted positions.
- Yesterday, Alberta and British Columbia sent troops to the hostile city of GrandOldCapital for reasons yet to be publicated
- However, troops from Ontario and Quebec intercepted them and the two alliances are now in an all out war
American states are in a meeting discussing the latest news. Colorado is on his phone, while Michigan is literally passed out on his chair.
Virginia: Let's involve ourselves for no apparent reason.
Massachusetts: Good idea! Who's side do we pick?
Washington: Western Canada obviously.
New York: But what about...
New Jersey: ...Toronto's corn dogs!
Massachusetts (Licking his lips anxiously): He does have a point.
California: I love corn dogs!
Virginia: I know right!
Washington (Angry): THERE AREN'T NO CORN DOGS IN TORONTO!!!!
Georgia: Get a hold of yourself.
Texas and Florida (Simultaneously): Yeah.
Texas and Florida: Jinx!
Texas and Florida: Double Jinx!
Texas and Florida: Triple Jinx!
Texas and Florida: Quadruple Jinx!
Texas (Stumbling to find the words): Hmm...ummm...hrrmmm...mmm...uhhh...
Florida: Quintuple Jinx! You owe me your electoral college votes!
California: Anyways, I think we all can agree that we have to side with Ontario and Quebec so as not to disturb the holy corn dogs of Toronto.
New Jersey: Yep. Let's send troops right away!
Back in Canada...
British Columbia: Darn! They have American troops! No fair!
Alberta: We need backup immediately then. Saskatchewan! Will you help us defeat Ontario and Quebec? Please?
Saskatchewan: Fine, but only if Manitoba helps too.
British Columbia: Manitoba?
Manitoba: Sure, I guess.
Ontario: What are you guys doing? Completely unfair, using others.
British Columbia: Says the guy who has the biggest army in the world allied with him
Quebec: The rule does not apply to the rule makers! Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland. Will you help us?
Nova Scotia: Sure.
Newfoundland: Why'd you say me last. I used to be my own nation! But yes, U will support whatever weird cause you guys have.
New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island: We'll do our best to help.
Northern Canada: Before you ask, we ain't helping anyone. Even if we did feel like this stuff mattered, we would only be able to give you guys a couple packages of yams.
GrandOldLand (In a booming voice from behind): Hello, foolish beings. None of you will win your silly war.
Alberta: Saskatchewan! He captured all of British Columbia while we were distracted!
GrandOldLand: How easy it is to turn you guys against each other. Do any of you even know Eastern Canada's motive?
GrandOldLand: They just wanted some quiet without you guys bothering them all the time. Atactcha, va vesa foré!
Translation: Attack, my great army!
- Canada is now under the complete control of a new nation called GrandOldLand
- Grandlandians speak a language that has yet to be cracked
- The United States is currently preparing preventive measures just in case of an attack