The Tales of GrandOldLand #1: The Conquest of Canada

Hello, this is the story of how the historic empire GrandOldLand came to be! So, listen carefully and don't be afraid!

Note: This is a fictional story inspired by GeoSmartKirbyXD

British Columbia: Some mayor of a city within our province gave hostile threats! What do you guys think I should do?

Ontario: No one cares!

British Columbia: Quebec?

Quebec: No one cares! Stop bothering us!

British Columbia (Sighing): Alberta?

Alberta: Send some spies over there or something. I don't know.

British Columbia: Good idea!

Two weeks later in GrandOldCapitol...three spies are crouched over a hill with binoculars...

Spy 1: I really need to go to the bathroom!

Spy 2 (Slapping Spy 1): Shut up Tony! You're gonna get us caught!

Spy 3: Guys! An army is drilling directly below us...

(All look down and hold their ears out)

Army Commander (Repeating the same words): Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut!...

Spy 2 (Gasping): How is this possible...they appear to be speaking in code.

Tony: More like their own language!

Spy 3 (Way too loudly): You're right!

(Spy 3 waits for them to look at him quizzically. He then proceeds to pull his firearm out of his belt and shoot Spy 2.)

Tony: Alberci! NOOOOOO!!!! How could you do this Charles...

(A look of hurt and betrayal crosses his face. Charles shoots him as well.)

Commander (Walking over to Charles): Fahrajé, Caatu! Vi pesa taictcha!

Translation: Well done, Charles! You are a great double agent!

(Caatu gives a guilty nod and stands in line with the other soldiers)

Commander: Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut!...

Ten days later...

British Columbia: Alberta! We found two of our skilled spies murdered!

Alberta (Shocked): This can only mean one thing. This town needs to be burnt down to ashes. We should gather our troops.

British Columbia: Why so soon?

Alberta: We sent three spies out there. Two were murdered, and they showed no sign of resistance...the third was a double agent, and we have no idea how many more lay within our trusted positions.

BREAKING NEWS

• Yesterday, Alberta and British Columbia sent troops to the hostile city of GrandOldCapital for reasons yet to be publicated
• However, troops from Ontario and Quebec intercepted them and the two alliances are now in an all out war

American states are in a meeting discussing the latest news. Colorado is on his phone, while Michigan is literally passed out on his chair.

Virginia: Let's involve ourselves for no apparent reason.

Massachusetts: Good idea! Who's side do we pick?

Washington: Western Canada obviously.

Alaska: Agreed.

New York: But what about...

New Jersey: ...Toronto's corn dogs!

Massachusetts (Licking his lips anxiously): He does have a point.

California: I love corn dogs!

Virginia: I know right!

Washington (Angry): THERE AREN'T NO CORN DOGS IN TORONTO!!!!

Georgia: Get a hold of yourself.

Texas and Florida (Simultaneously): Yeah.

Texas and Florida: Jinx!

Texas and Florida: Double Jinx!

Texas and Florida: Triple Jinx!

Texas and Florida: Quadruple Jinx!

Texas (Stumbling to find the words): Hmm...ummm...hrrmmm...mmm...uhhh...

Florida: Quintuple Jinx! You owe me your electoral college votes!

California: Anyways, I think we all can agree that we have to side with Ontario and Quebec so as not to disturb the holy corn dogs of Toronto.

New Jersey: Yep. Let's send troops right away!

Washington: NOOOO!!!!

Back in Canada...

British Columbia: Darn! They have American troops! No fair!

Alberta: We need backup immediately then. Saskatchewan! Will you help us defeat Ontario and Quebec? Please?

Saskatchewan: Fine, but only if Manitoba helps too.

British Columbia: Manitoba?

Manitoba: Sure, I guess.

Ontario: What are you guys doing? Completely unfair, using others.

British Columbia: Says the guy who has the biggest army in the world allied with him

Quebec: The rule does not apply to the rule makers! Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland. Will you help us?

Nova Scotia: Sure.

Newfoundland: Why'd you say me last. I used to be my own nation! But yes, U will support whatever weird cause you guys have.

New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island: We'll do our best to help.

Northern Canada: Before you ask, we ain't helping anyone. Even if we did feel like this stuff mattered, we would only be able to give you guys a couple packages of yams.

GrandOldLand (In a booming voice from behind): Hello, foolish beings. None of you will win your silly war.

Alberta: Saskatchewan! He captured all of British Columbia while we were distracted!

GrandOldLand: How easy it is to turn you guys against each other. Do any of you even know Eastern Canada's motive?

Manitoba: No....?

GrandOldLand: They just wanted some quiet without you guys bothering them all the time. Atactcha, va vesa foré!

Translation: Attack, my great army!

BREAKING NEWS

• Canada is now under the complete control of a new nation called GrandOldLand
• Grandlandians speak a language that has yet to be cracked
• The United States is currently preparing preventive measures just in case of an attack

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