Dawn of the JetPunk Empires - Part II

The countries of the United Nations gather at a summit in New York.

USA: Well, firstly thank you to everyone for attending this sudden summit.

France: Thank you for hosting the summit.

Belgium: I would've been happy to hold it.

USA: Anyway, France you're welcome. Belgium, get lost. But now to the point. The reason we are gathered here today as I'm sure you all have guessed is to discuss the formation of the new empires outlined in the previous blog.

Argentina: How is it possible for so many new empires to randomly start?

UK: My guess is that one country started it and it just became a trend.

Spain: Are there any powerful empires?

USA: Some, like India. But there are some pretty silly ones also.

Germany: Like what?

USA: (Holding back laughter) Well... there is the Nauru Empire! It's just Nauru and Tuvalu. (USA bursts out laughing).

Taiwan: Don't be rude to Nauru!

USA: Hey, Taiwan, welcome to the UN again. You can take Iraq's seat considering they no longer exist.

Taiwan sits in Iraq's seat.

USA: So what does everyone think we should do about these empires?

Monaco: I don't care what you guys want to do, but I'm gonna make my own empire, the Monaco Empire!

Monaco gets up and leaves the room.

USA: Anyone else?

Taiwan: Yep. I'm going to start my own empire too! It will be called the Vampire Empire! And I don't even care what China says!

China: Hey....

USA: No, I meant does anyone else have an idea of what to do about these empires? As in other than just creating a bunch of new ones?

Algeria: Why don't we just make a rule that no one can make a new empire?

Spain: We can't just make up a rule like that.

Algeria: Well we kinda already did with the nuclear weapon thing.

Spain: True.

USA: Ok. With the power invested in me as the host....

Belgium: Unrightful host!

USA: …host of the UN summit, I now decide that no new empires are allowed to be made.

Poland: Well said.

Israel: What about the countries who already lost their land to the existing empires?

USA: I guess that's their own problem then.

Sweden: Do we have anything else to discuss?

USA: I don't think so. Thank you everyone for attending this summit. Now you can all go home and not make any more empires.

GrandOldLand: What if the empires try to conquer us?

Iceland: Just ask them not to. The Imperial Union gave me the southern part of the island back because I asked. It was easy!

USA: Ok, now you know what to do GrandOldLand. Wait! GRANDOLDLAND!!!!!

Cuba: Since when do you still exist?

GrandOldLand: Since when do YOU still exist?

Angola: Since your empire dissolved.

GrandOldLand: Boha! Me casa rowera disave! (Translation: Haha! My empire never dissolved.) It was an illusion I created to trick everyone!

Denmark: Oh.

Guatemala: Then what do you own now?

GrandOldLand: Only Newfoundland, Greenland and coastal Angola at the moment.

USA: Well, ok. Maybe one more empire. I guess we can make room for that. In fact, I think I'll go and take over the Nauru empire to make room for GrandOldLand. And it will make me look really powerful for taking over an empire. Summit dismissed!

Nauru crashed through the door.

Nauru: Hello USA. I heard you were going to take me over?

USA: That's right. And you just made it so much easier for me.

Nauru: Is that so? Well I beg to differ. In who's name will you conquer the Nauru Empire in?

USA: USA obviously.

Nauru: But there is no USA anymore.

USA: Wdym?

Nauru: I have conquered your country while you were distracted at the meeting!

USA: WHAT?????

California: That's not entirely true. Nauru let us become independent of the US!

Republic of Carolina: And us!

USA begins to hyperventilate.

The Empire's Empire: And we have conquered Alaska!

USA: What about Hawaii, Puerto Rico and my other overseas territories?

Nauru: The Great Southern Empire conquered Hawaii. The Imperial Union (who have also conquered coastal British Columbia) conquered Puerto Rico. And all of your other overseas territories were conquered in a joined trust between the Vampire Empire and the Monaco Empire.

USA screams and then begins to literally dissolve.

Netherlands: What is happening to USA?

Russia: He is dissolving because he doesn't exist anymore!

Bahamas: NOOOO!!!!!

Russia: YESSSS!!!!

One by one the countries leave NYC and the USA finally dissolves completely.

Person 1: Apparently the UN made a statement that no more empires are allowed.

Person 2: Oh. Jolly rotten! I was thinking of making the British Empire into one big empire.

Person 1: Quite! I was thinking the exact same thing!

Person 2: Has the statement been announced yet?

Person 1: Technically no, it hasn't been on the nightly news yet.

Person 2: Then let's quickly make the empire and pretend we didn't know about the statement.

Person 1: Ok.

Person 2: Wait. That would probably put us at war with USA though. Maybe it's not such a great idea after all.

Person 1: Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you. The Nauru Empire took over most of the USA and the rest has become other countries anyway. There is no USA anymore.

Person 2: Wow. Go Nauru!

Person 1: Yeah!

Person 2: Then what are we waiting for? Let's go and make and empire!

Person 1 & 2 head around the British Isles and persuade everyone to join one empire using their persuasive skills that they learned in year 8 English class.

Person 1: Wow. I never thought those persuasive skills would come in so handy!

Person 2: Yes, they were rather helpful weren't they!

Person 1: There is another new empire! The British Isles Empire!

Person 2: I thought that was against the rules!

Person 1: Same. I mustn't be a rule anymore.

Person 2: But they made the rule yesterday.

Person 1: Well they must've changed their minds. Maybe because USA died?

Person 2: Well why don't we join in the trend. Make our own empire. Put Cabo Verde on the map!

Person 1: I guess so.

Person 2: We probably need a better reason though.

Person 1: Like what?

Person 2: Maybe.... we really like snakes, and there are no snakes in Cabo Verde.

Person 1: That's stupid.

Person 2: What's your better idea then?

Person 1: Well.....Ummm.....Maybe, I don't know.

Person 2: Snakes it is then.

Person 1: (Grunts) Whatever.

Person 2 with a reluctant person 1 head around the West Coast of Africa and force Algeria, Morocco, Mauritania, Senegal, Gambia, Guinea, Guinea Bissau, Sierra Leone and Liberia to join their empire.

Person 2: Yess. We have snakes now!

Person 1: (Sighs) What should we call the empire?

Person 2: The Cabo/CapeVerdeAlgeriaMoroccoWesternSaharaMauritaniaSenegalTheGambiaGuineaBissauGuineaSierraLeoneLiberia Empire!

Person 1: (With eye role) That's dumb.

Person 2: What's your better name then?

Person 1: Well.....Ummmm......Maybe the Mediterranean-Atlantic Empire?

Person 2: How about the Med-Atlantic Empire?

Person 1: I guess.

Person 2: Cool.

Person 1: Genghis Khan was great wasn't he.

Person 2: And a bit hostile at times.

Person 3: Yeah. But that comes with true greatness.

Person 1: Yeah. It would be cool if the Mongol Empire still existed.

Person 2: Maybe we could try to recreate it.

Person 3: I mean why not? Everyone else is doing it now.

Person 1: Even though the UN said not to.

Person 2: No one listens to the UN anyway.

Person 3: If we took over China, then everyone will take us seriously. Like we really mean business.

Person 1: (Way too loudly) Yeah!

China: Hey boys. What were we discussing.

Person 2: (Looks behind China to see its huge army) Uh, we were just discussing how it would be great if we joined with China to make a new country.

China: What a great idea. Mongolia could become a new province. Maybe called Outer Mongolia.

Person 3: Well we were really planning on...

Person 1 covers person 3's mouth.

Person 2: (Laughs nervously) Anyway, are you in China.

China: Yep. Mongolia is ours now!

Person 3: Who will be our Khan?

Person 1 sends person 3 a dirty look.

Person 3: I mean our leader.

China: Well, we need someone like the great Mao Zedong.

Person 2: And the great Genghis Khan!

Person 3: How about cathlete? He is a great candidate!

China: Ok. But don't try any funny stuff, or our partnership is over!

Person 1: Understood.

Person 2: Sorry about Taiwan btw man.

China: (Eye twitching) Thank you. Taiwan will not be independent for long.

Person 3: Why?

China: We will lead our army to annex them when we get around to it.

Person 1: Cool. In the name of Mongolia... I mean China.... I mean Mongina.... or maybe Chigolia?

cathlete: How about the Imperium Sanctus?

Person 3: Wow! What a great name. It sounds so cool. I can already tell you will be a great leader!

China leaves Ulaanbaatar and returns to Beijing.

MiecraftMan: (Eating vegetables) Umff! These vegetables are great!

Cook: Thank you.

MiecraftMan: Where are they from?

Cook: Right here in Nigeria.

MiecraftMan: Anywhere else?

Cook: Vietnam as well.

MiecraftMan: Please bring me my general.

Cook calls for MiecraftMan's general.

MiecraftMan: General.

General: Yes sir?

MiecraftMan: Could you please lead a conquest into Vietnam so that we can have all of their vegetables.

General: (Raises eyebrows) Ok sir.

MiecraftMan: We shall have the vegetables of Nigeria and Vietnam!

The general leads a conquest into Vietnam who surrender when they arrive.

Vietnam: Why did you conquer us?

General: MiecaftMan wants your vegetables.

Vietnam: Couldn't you just by them off us?

MiecraftMan: This way was cheaper. Fear not, though. I will spare the lives of your people if I am granted unlimited access to your vegetables.

Vietnam: Ok.

MiecraftMan: We will rename this combo of Nigeria and Vietnam the Veggie Caliphate!

Vietnam: Ok.

YakosaysBOT5WANA looks at MiecraftMan

MiecraftMan: What's that Yako? You want to be the leader of Armenia.

Yako looks at MiecraftMan a different way.

MiecraftMan: Ah. You want to rule Armenia and call it the Apostolic Armenian Empire?

Yako nods.

MiecraftMan: Ok. But you are banned.

Yako shrugs.

MiecraftMan: I will conquer Armenia on your behalf, and then you can rule it as a vassal.

Yako nods, looking pleased.

MiecraftMan conquers Armenia for the Veggie Caliphate and then hands it to Yako as a vassal state within the caliphate.

Thailand: Hey Cambodia, Laos, and Myanmar. Want to unite into the Kingdom of Indochina to prevent us from being taken over like Vietnam did?

Cambodia, Laos and Myanmar: Ok.

Greater Indian Empire: Hello Kingdom of Indochina.

Kingdom of Indochina (KOI): Hello?

Greater Indian Empire (GIE): It's time that you become part of our great empire to help boost our area to the second highest in the world!

KOI: Why second?

GIE: So we can be second in both population and area.

KOI: But you are first in population now because you took over Pakistan and Bangladesh.

GIE: Oh yeah. Well I guess that means that we need to be first at both then!

KOI: Anyway, we just formed a unity to prevent us from being taken over.

GIE: Oh well. You shall still become part of our great empire of true greatness.

KOI: You really like the word great don't you.

GIE: Yes I do. It is such a great word. And the whole point of this conquest is to lead India to true greatness.

KOI: Ok, we surrender. But only if we can be a vassal state, still technically under your control, but functioning on our own.

GIE: Ok, we can arrange that. Sounds great!

British Isles Empire (BIE): (Speaking to itself) I heard the GIE took over KOI and now they are a controlled and allied vassal state. That sounds cool and very professional! I think I will do it as well. I shall have a vassal state called the Duchy of Wyvernia! They can control the island of Ireland and the country of Scotland in all alliance with us!

Duchy of Wyvernia (DOW): Thank you BIE! We will be ruled by the Duke of Niobium, and the Duchess of Void!

Great Southern Empire (GSE): Haha! New Zealand chose not to become part of the new Pacific Empire! That means we can take them over and not be at war with any fellow empires!

New Zealand: Hey, Pacific Empire. Can you protect us from the GSE?

Pacific Empire: No. You had your chance. Now you are on your own.

New Zealand: Far out.

GSE: You can either surrender, or be conquered by force.

New Zealand: Um, well. I guess we will surrender then.

GSE: Good choice. Now what else should we conquer?

Madagascar: Not us!

GSE: Madagascar it is! Wait. We don't have enough money to fund a military campaign in Africa.

Madagascar: Maybe conquer someone closer then.

GSE: Ok.

GSE send their troops to Indonesia, and East Timor and take them over in a swift and skilful conquest.

Nauru Empire: Wow GSE, that was a big display of power!

GSE: Thank you Nauru. But not as big as you taking over over USA!

Monaco: What about me?

GSE and Nauru: What about you?

Monaco: I just conquered Spain, Portugal and Gibraltar!

GSE and Nauru: What about France?

Monaco: Not yet, but maybe later.

GSE and Nauru: Ok, well, that is also a big display of power. There's a lot of that going around I guess.

GSE: Well considering we now have Indonesia and East Timor, we don't really need NZ anymore.

NZ: Yay! I can be free again.

GSE goes onto eBay and puts NZ for sale.

NZ: Hey! That's so degrading!

GSE puts a note saying that NZ no longer has rights (not that they did before) to pavlova, and that it is and always has been Australian.

Nauru: I'll buy NZ, but I only have half the money on me at the moment.

GSE: You can choose an island then.

Nauru: Oooh. Okay. I choose Honshu!

GSE: (Facepalms) No. Out of North or South.

Nauru: Oh. Well, I choose North then.

GSE: Okay, that will cost $1000

NZ: No, it's worth way more than that!

Nauru: I only have $999.

GSE: Well you can have the island, but we will keep Wellington as a port in case we need it then.

Nauru: Ok.

GSE sells North Island (excluding Wellington) to Nauru.

NZ: What about us? Do we get South Island?

GSE: Um. You can have South Island except for Christchurch, Dunedin and Queenstown.

NZ: Ok. At least we have Invercargill.

GSE: And we'll have that too.

NZ: Ok, I guess that's fair then.

MG17: Hello again Bolsonaro.

Bolsonaro: Hello MG17. What can I do for you?

MG17: May I please have the south coast of Bahia, the west of Sao Paulo state, Brasilia, the north of Goias, Fernando de Noronha, and the southeast of Para.

Bolsonaro: Ok, you may.

MG17: Thank you.

Bolsonaro: Anything else?

MG17: Yes actually. In order to remedy the corruption of Brazil and the Minas Gerais, we will exterminate the STF.

Bolsonaro: Ok, who will do it?

MG17: I can. As the leader of this glorious empire of Minas Gerais, I must take on this responsibility.

MG17 then exterminates the STF and returns to Belo Horizonte with the new expansion of his empire. He begins to plan other conquests in the Botswanan Caliphate and French Polynesia.

California leads its new army into Mexico and invades its coast all the way down to Guatemala. It begins plans of controlling the coast of the Americas from California all the way to Chile. It renames itself Chilefornia as a continual reminder of its ambitious goals. Chilefornia then sends seperate groups of troops to seize the coast of Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua and Costa Rica.

Reporter: The last few weeks has proved to continue to be eventful and exciting as the world enters the age of JetPunk. Many new empires have formed, despite the United Nations' attempts to prevent such a thing. Many empires have also extended their control including the new Macedonian Empire (not to be confused with Alexander the Great's Empire) that has expanded from Greece to take over Bulgaria, North Macedonia and European Turkey. There are so many new countries, it is hard to keep track of them all and their new expansions. Here is a list to help us remember them:

- The Great Southern Empire:

Capital: Hobart

Biggest city: Jakarta

Countries: Australia, New Zealand (Wellington, Christchurch, Dunedin, Queenstown, Invercargill and Pavlova), Indonesia, East Timor, United States (Hawaii)

Leader: Emperor Geopro

Population: 300 million

- The Blaze Empire:

Capital: Babylon

Biggest city: Tehran

Countries included: Syria, Iraq, Iran

Leader: His (Great) Imperial Awesomeness, Solomon Blaze III

Population: 139 million

- Greater Indian Empire:

Capital: New Delhi

Biggest city: Delhi

Countries: India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Myanmar, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos

Leader: Emperor Alficionado

Population: 1.893 billion

- Empire of the Minas Gerais:

Capital: Belo Horizonte

Biggest city: Belo Horizonte

Countries: Brazil

Leader: MG17

Population: 53 million

- The Pacific Empire:

Capital: Suva

Biggest city: Manila

Countries included: Samoa, Tonga, Fiji, Kiribati, Marshall Islands, Solomon Islands, Federated States of Micronesia, Palau, Philippines, Vanuatu

Leader: FacterLiger0804

Population: 111 million

- The Nauru Empire:

Capital: Yaren

Biggest city: New York

Countries: Nauru, Tuvalu, United States (Except for Hawaii, Alaska, the Carolinas, California and overseas territories), New Zealand (North Island except for Wellington)

Leader: Afghabwe

Population: 330 million

- The Imperial Union:

Capital: Reykjavik

Biggest city: Vancouver

Countries: Iceland, Oman, Papua New Guinea, Trinidad and Tobago, Canada, United States (Puerto Rico)

Leader: ZooTuber3000

Population: 22 million

- The Macedonian Empire:

Capital: Athens

Biggest city: Istanbul

Countries: Greece, North Macedonia, Bulgaria, Turkey

Leader: thegoatisgoaty

Population: 31 million

- The Palapyan/Botswanan Caliphate:

Capital: Palapye/Gaborone

Biggest City: Gaborone

Countries included: Botswana, Namibia

Leader: The QuizzerBros

Population: 3 million

- The Monaco Empire:

Capital: Monte Carlo/Monaco

Biggest city: Madrid

Countries: Monaco, Spain, Portugal, United Kingdom (Gibraltar), United Sates (overseas territories)

Leader: Hfjhjoiiklij

Population: 57 million

- The Vampire Empire:

Capital: Taipei

Biggest city: Taipei

Countries: Taiwan, United States (overseas territories)

Leader: Angbo

Population: 24 million

- GrandOldLand:

Capital: Nuuk

Biggest city: Luanda

Countries: Canada (Newfoundland), Denmark (Greenland), Angola

Leader: ClutchNferno

Population: 21 million

- The Chilefornia Empire:

Capital: San Francisco

Biggest city: Los Angeles

Countries: United States (California), Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica

Leader: TheNatureThread

Population: 83 million

- Republic of Carolina:

Capital: Charlotte

Biggest city: Charlotte

Countries: United States (Carolinas)

Leader: JackQuizzer

Population: 15 million

- The Empire's Empire:

Capital: Juneau

Biggest city: Anchorage

Countries: United States (Alaska)

Leader: Jetpunker180

Population: 700 thousand

- British Isles Empire:

Capital: London

Biggest city: London

Countries: United Kingdom, Ireland

Leader: BigGeographyGuy

Population: 72 million

Vassals: Duchy of Wyvernia (Leader: NiobiumVoid)

- Med-Atlantic Empire:

Capital: Praia

Biggest city: Casablanca

Countries: Algeria, Morocco, Mauritania, Senegal, Gambia, Guinea, Guinea Bissau, Sierra Leone, Liberia, Cape Verde

Leader: turnbacktwo

Population: 132 million

- Imperium Sanctus:

Capital: Beijing

Biggest city: Guangzhou

Countries: China, Mongolia

Leader: cathlete

Population: 1.401 billion

- Veggie Caliphate:

Capital: Abuja

Biggest city: Lagos

Countries: Nigeria, Vietnam, Armenia

Leader: MiecraftMan

Population: 300 million

Vassals: Apostolic Armenian Empire (Leader: YakosaysBOT5WANA)