Songs That Make You Go "Wait, Hold Up" - Part the Third

Welcome to Part Three of my blog series about song lyrics that just make you think, "What the …..heck are they on about?" I was going to add Christmas Special to the title, but apparently there is a restriction on the number of characters I can use in that section.

So here are some Christmassy baubles to set the scene...

This blog exclusively contains Christmas songs, that genre of music that some artists try to cash in on by just adding sleigh bells to a nondescript tune in the vain hope that the general public will buy their music in whatever format is available. Other artists may try to make a different Christmas song almost every year, and have had several festive tunes in the charts. (I'm looking at you Cliff Richard!)

I would also like to apologise in advance for any offence caused by the first offering, it's a very well known charity song that I think was number one in about fifteen countries and sold over 11 million copies worldwide. But, that is no excuse, Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, you should have written some better lyrics !

As I mentioned above, this song was written by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, two stalwart singer songwriters of the British Isles or more specifically, Ireland and Scotland respectively, as a fundraiser in response to the 1983-1985 famine in Ethiopia. Nothing can take away the amount raised for the relief fund, Bob Geldof hoped it would raise £70,000, it actually raised around £8 million ! Over the ensuing years there have been a number of versions of the song raising even more for various charities.

Enough about the reasons for the song, here we begin the roasting of the lyrics. They start reasonably normal...

Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time

Although, I'm not sure about the light and shade line, presumably the cause of a famine would have been too much light and not enough shade from rain clouds ? Bit of a mixed message there Bob. And as for "throwing your arms around the world" ? Well how long are your arms? The circumference of the earth, or world, is 25,000 miles, give or take a hundred mile or so, that would make it rather difficult to get about your daily life I should think.

The song continues...

And it's a world of dread and fear

Your having fun whilst outside is "dread and fear" ? More mixed messages, but I suppose that is setting the scene for disaster relief, I'll forgive them that line, however...

Where the only water flowing

Is the bitter sting of tears

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

Whoa ! Pretty selfish vibes there guys! Poor folk starving over there, have some compassion already!

No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Where do I start with this verse?

Sweeping statement alert ! "Snow in Africa"? Well, yes actually. It snows most years in the Atlas Mountains of Morocco, which, last time I looked, was definitely on the African continent. In fact, snow will normally fall in the wintertime in the Bale mountains of Ethiopia, the very country the song is about.

"No rain nor rivers flow" We've already debunked the rivers so what about rain ? Well, Ethiopia has a rainy season from June to September, where it rains on most days in some areas.

And the final line, "Do they know it's Christmas time at all" , considering that Ethiopia is one of the oldest Christian states in the world, and that almost 70% of the country is Christian, then I should think that they would know it is Christmas !

This is a little known song, at least in the UK anyway, that I found whilst looking for something else on Spotify. It was sung by Red Simpson on his 1973 album "Truckers Christmas" and is a short tune that at first glance is OK. (Do you "glance" at a song ? Listen maybe, hear I suppose, but glance ? Never mind, it's my age)

It's a short song with little to complain about, however...

Well, I’m truckin' trees for Christmas

From this old mountain top

The tops of mountains are usually above what is known as the "Timberline", where there is little soil and too much wind to support the growth of trees. Another point to consider is that there are rarely roads at the top of mountains, so unless he has a 4x4 truck, he ain't hauling trees down from there.

I’m trucking trees for Christmas

For Christmas day

Most people have bought and decorated their trees well before Christmas Day, Red. You're not gonna sell many on the big day itself, most folk are too busy opening presents and drinking eggnog by then.

I got a string of pretty Christmas lights a'hanging from the cab of my truck
And a little tree on my dashboard that I’ve decorated up
Well people may think I’m crazy by these silly things I do

But I don’t care 'cause I think that trucks like Christmas too

Nothing wrong with a little decoration at Christmastime, I do that myself. I've a little tree with 12v lights on it that sits on my dashboard. However, thinking that "trucks like Christmas too" is a bit far-fetched. TA truck isn't a living, breathing, sentient being and such won't like or dislike the festive season.

A humorous ditty by a husband and wife duo called Elmo & Patsy. Comprising Elmo Shropshire and his wife Patsy Trigg the song was released in the US in 1979, 1982 and 1984. It was released in the UK in 1980, but failed to get into the charts.

The song starts with the title...

Grandma got run over by a reindeer 

Walking home from our house Christmas Eve

A sad start I think you'll agree, but the song continues...

She'd been drinking too much egg nog, 

And we'd begged her not to go 

But she forgot her medication, 

And she staggered out the door into the snow

Clearly, Grandma was in no fit state to walk out into the cold winters night. Alcohol and snow don't really mix. And surely they could have done more to stop her, or, maybe someone younger could have volunteered to go instead ? It gets worse...

When we found her Christmas morning, 

At the scene of the attack

She had hoof prints on her forehead, 

And incriminating Claus marks on her back

This wasn't an attack ! Poor old Santa was just driving along, minding his own business, just delivering presents, when out of the darkness, clearly intoxicated, an old lady is wandering around the middle of the road. What does "Claus marks" even mean ? Did the big man try CPR ? OK, maybe he shouldn't have left the scene of an accident, but those presents aren't going to deliver themselves, and no-one else is available to do it.

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, 

He's been taking this so well 

See him in there watching football

 Playing cards and drinking beer with cousin Mel

Not much concern from Grandpa then, There's more to this than meets the eye. I think Grandpa has some questions to answer. Maybe he was involved, or he'd paid a hitman to make it look like Santa was the perpetrator? The end of the song is accusatory...

They should never give a license, 

To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

Many people in certain regions of the world drive sleighs, Canada, Austria, Sweden and many others have sleighs of some sort. Are you advocating banning all these too. There is a whole tourist industry built around sleigh rides. And then accusing Santa of inappropriate activities with his workforce ? Whatever next!

The lyrics to this Christmas song were first published in England in a children's book in 1780, just 4 years after the foundation of the USA. Although it is thought to have originated much earlier as a memory rhyme.

There is nothing inherently wrong with the song but, it does beg the question of how much is the person willing to spend on his loved one. Presumably she had a large house to accommodate the many people and animals. In fact, an Irish comedian named Frank Kelly made a record called Christmas Countdown that showcased the dilemma involved in gifting all the presents. I will add it to the playlist.

The song is known as a "cumulative song", meaning each verse adds onto the previous verse culminating in the end verse being the longest. This is the last verse...

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree!

That's fifty people, twenty-three animals, five items of jewellery and a tree. Unless of course, the maids a-milking have brought their cows, in which case the animal count goes up to thirty-one!

Quite a haul indeed, I hear you say. Well, for the last forty years, the PNC Bank based in Pittsburgh have based a price index on these very gifts. You can see the 2023 results here. Obviously, a modern bank cannot justify pricing the purchase of people, that would be tantamount to admitting they are involved in slavery, which clearly they aren't. So the index bases their prices on the cost of hiring such tradespersons. 

Our final song in this chapter is by the Canadian bad boy, Justin Bieber. (Yeah, yeah I know!) I'm sorry, but this one isn't my fault. I'm blaming JetPunk user McKenzieFam for bringing this one to my attention in the comments of my last blog of this series. (Shameless plug again, sorry).

It was released in 2011, it peaked in the UK chart at number 21.

The song's first verse is normal and beliebable (see what I did there?), and the final verse is Ok, but it's the middle verse that interests us...

Everyone's gathering around the fire
Chestnuts roasting like a hot July
I should be chilling with my folks, I know
But I'ma be under the mistletoe

I'm going to forgive him the "I'ma", he's young and a Canuck. I can't pass by the other two transgressions though.

Chestnuts roasting like a hot July, That is one hot July my friends. According to the BBC Good Food Guide website, (and they should know) chestnuts are best roasted in an oven at 200^oC or in non-metric for our American friends, that's 392 of your fahrenheit degrees. The hottest place on Earth, as we all know is Death Valley in California, Furnace Creek in Death Valley to be precise. The hottest temperature ever recorded there was 56.7°C (134°F) on 10 July 1913. Still not really hot enough to roast chestnuts, Justin!

Our Canadian friend continues...

Word on the street, Santa's coming tonight

Reindeer's flying through the sky so high
I should be making a list, I know

But I'ma be under the mistletoe

Now, Santa's coming tonight, so it's Christmas Eve, and as the reindeer are flying through the sky it's late Christmas Eve. Surely even someone as financially secure as JB can't write a list for Santa after he has already left the depot? That's like expecting Amazon to have your purchase in the back of the van before you've even ordered it. I know Amazon are good but, they're not that good. In a similar way that Santa ain't that good either. Come on Justin, get your year in order, put it in your diary, write and send your list to the big man at the start of December, give him a fair chance, mate!

That's it, my third chapter, a Christmas Special of songs that I think deserve to be here.

As I have said before, please do not take these blogs seriously, they're just a bit of fun to brighten your day, hopefully.

I have added these songs to the Spotify Playlist that I created for the first blog in this series and then added to with the second episode. So in total there are three blogs on the one playlist, just skip to the ones you want to hear. If you don't want to hear them all, just listen to Christmas Countdown by Frank Kelly, it's very funny, although some small parts of it are NSFW depending on how strict your boss is. It is played in full on British radio occasionally so it's not that bad.

In the words of Porky Pig, "Th-Th-The, Th-Th-The, Th-Th... That's all, folks!"

Except to say..

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL !