Songs That Make You Go "Wait, Hold Up" - Part Deux

In my previous blog of this series, available to read here,(little bit presumptuous of me, I know. Can you call two blogs a series? Who knows or even cares?) I discussed some dubious lyrics to some popular well known songs. Well, well known to me anyway. Is that too many "wells" ?

I have found some more tunes that display a distinct disregard for various subjects, for example geography, science, common sense, you get the idea.

These songs aren't the most recent offerings to reach the charts, although at least one of them has had a more recent re-make with the help of the ever popular Jonas Brothers. As I've stated previously, I don't listen to much modern music, except when it is on the radio. Some of it is excellent, but to me at least, much of it is just throw-away pop with little substance to the tune. Just my opinion, so don't cause any trouble and strife. (oooh, reference to another of my blogs, the Cockney Rhyming Slang one. Trouble and Strife = Wife. Sorry, I digress. If you've read some of my blogs, you'll know this happens occasionally.)

Anyway, as I have said previously, this blog is not meant to be taken seriously, its just a little light hearted banter that I hope will amuse some of my readers.

Made famous by the band Toto, who incidentally take their name from the name of the dog in the film The Wizard of Oz that was released in 1939.

The song starts off on a high note with the drums echoing as a flight arrives containing what we assume is his wife or girlfriend....

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in, 12:30 flight

The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation

A nice romantic beginning I think. But then we get a little further into the song...

The wild dogs cry out in the night

As they grow restless, longing for some solitary company

Now, wild dogs I haven't got a problem with, they're fairly widespread around Sub-Saharan Africa and although they are on the endangered list compiled by the International Union for Conservation of Nature there are still around six or seven thousand adult animals scattered across the region. But are they really looking for "solitary company" ? Do they want to be alone (solitary) or in a group (company)? They can't be both, it's physically impossible. But that's not really the lines that bother me. The song continues....

I know that I must do what's right

As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti

Let's do a little geography here. Kilimanjaro is the highest mountain in Africa as we all know. It stands at, according to Wikipedia, 5895 m or 19341 ft. So it rises like Olympus. Mount Olympus in Greece stands at, according to the same source, 2918 m or 9573 ft. Less than half the size. So it can't be rising like Olympus it would be sinking. But what about Olympus Mons I hear you shout. Well, the highest point on Mars has a height of 21945 m or 72000 ft or around two and a half times the height of Mount Everest! I doubt that even on a good day, that Kilimanjaro could stretch herself that high.

But that isn't even the worst part of those lyrics, Kilimanjaro rises above the Serengeti ? Considering that, although both are in Tanzania, the mountain is just over 200 miles away from the Serengeti. Way beyond the horizon and even given it's height is not visible from the Serengeti National Park.

A quote from the Africa Travels website,

"When on safari in the Serengeti, you cannot see the snow tops of the Kilimanjaro mountain from that far."

So there you have it, straight from the horses mouth if you like, its a stupid lyric but a great song, and lots of kudos to the songwriter for getting the words Kilimanjaro, Olympus, and Serengeti into a single line of a song!

Originally sang by the British pop-punk band Busted, but also covered by the US group Jonas Brothers, this song tells the story of a time travelling neighbour.

We all know that time travel isn't possible (or is it?). Us mere mortals will probably never know unless one is employed by a secret department of the CIA or MI6, in which case you'll have been sworn to secrecy on pain of some fate worse than death. Forced to live in Belgium I imagine. (Sorry just blatantly currying favour with the quizmaster) But I digress....

The song's leading lyrics are a little fanciful, but not out of the ordinary....

One day when I came home at lunch time I heard a funny noise
Went out to the backyard to find out if it was one of those rowdy boys
Stood there was my neighbour called Peter and a Flux Capacitor 
He told me he built a time machine
Like the one in a film I've seen

Yeah, yeah  (Don't think the "yeah,yeah" is relevant really).

It's the following lines that start to delve into the absurd....

He said, "I've been to the year 3000

Not much has changed but they lived underwater...

OK, now lets let that sink in for a second shall we.......

"I've been to the year 3000" now if the neighbour has indeed somehow built a travelling device worthy of H.G.Wells then travelling almost a thousand years into the future is certainly an achievement to be applauded, no problem so far. But the second part, "Not much has changed but they lived underwater"

Thats a pretty darned big change in my mind. We don't reside on land but underwater ? Brings up many questions...

Are we living in submarines or submerged buildings such as The Maraka Hotel in the Maldives ?

Have we evolved gills and breath like fish ?

Do we have to use SCUBA gear continuously ? 
How do we make things in a water environment ? Although I suppose in a millennium we would have figured this out.
Would my sandwiches get damp ? 
The lyrics continue..... 

And your great, great, great granddaughter

Is pretty fine

Now you would think this is just a normal compliment on the descendants of the person, however...

The word "great" before granddaughter denotes a generation. Your grandchild is two generations below you so each "great" adds a generation, thus making, in this instance five generations.

So how long is a generation ? Well, according to the font of all knowledge, Google, it is 20-30 years. (Wikipedia agrees with this estimate.)

Using the upper limit of 30 years as a guide, his granddaughter will be 150 years old. Given that the song was written in 2002 this only puts us at the year 2152. A little short there, in fact to get to the year 3000 from 2002 we would see 33 generations. It is actually just over thirty-three but someone may have been a late starter producing offspring!

So the line should have at least 31 "greats" in it !

A BBC Radio 2 presenter worked this out too, and actually edited the song to contain all 31 "greats".

The song continues without much controversy apart from the one line....

Triple breasted women swim around town totally naked!

Wow, that's certainly another big change! Presumably the town in question is in the warm waters of the Indian Ocean and not north of the Arctic Circle. Perhaps we should all move to that hotel in the Maldives after all.

And presumably the ladies of this underwater wonderland have evolved to be like Eccentrica Gallumbits from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series of books by Douglas Adams. I wholly recommend you read these novels, they're hilarious!

Bring on the future if we are all living in the Maldives !

This song was made famous by the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley. Released in 1962 it is the same age as me, a claim to fame I didn't know I had until researching this blog. Every day's a school day, right?

This song is about a break-up and the singer trying to reconnect with his former partner. However, even though it was written in the early 1960's, it does show great faith in the US Postal Service. Well, I presume it's the USPS and not the mail delivery service from another country. 
The lyrics to this short tune begin....

I gave a letter to the postman
He put it in his sack
Bright early next morning

He brought my letter back

A normal enough start I think you'll agree, he hands the postman (or mail carrier as the job is now called) a letter and he places it securely in his official bag.

But then the next day he returns it ? Now, I'm guessing here, but most mail deliveries are at regular times(or at least they were back in those days). Did the postie actually put the letter into the system at all? A letter sent back, even from the same town would take at least two days, with the letter being returned on the third day surely.

Anyway, the song continues....

Return to sender, address unknown
No such number, no such zone
We had a quarrel, a lover's spat

I write I'm sorry, but my letter keeps coming back

Based on my experiences of working in the UK's Royal Mail, any letter that was returned to sender with "address unknown" or "no such number" etc would automatically be redelivered to the destination address for confirmation, possibly adding another day at least before being sent back to the originator.

As for the other two lines, just go round there already will ya Elvis, you're a good looking lad, surely you can work something out?

I just added the above pictures as a bit of an interlude, sorry!

Back to the song....

So then I dropped it in the mailbox
And sent it special D
Bright and early next morning

It came right back to me

Dropped it in the mailbox ? Sent it Special D? As far as I'm aware you can't do both. You either put it in the mailbox, or postbox as we call them, in which case it isn't a Special Delivery item. or you have to take it to a Post Office to pay extra for Special D or delivery. This requires a signature at the destination I believe. And there we go again with the "Bright and early next morning" again.

Elvis continues...

This time I'm gonna take it myself and put it right in her hand

And if it comes back the very next day then I'll understand

That's a great idea, Elvis Aaron, you should have done that in the first place instead of dithering around with the postal service. (Dithering is a common English word that means "to be indecisive")

Although, just handing her/him/it the letter and then walking away doesn't seem like the best idea. Why not forget the letter, knock on the door and say something like, oh, I don't know, maybe SORRY!

If the letter comes back with the postman the next day, I think this may be a lost cause, either that or the lady in question(Just presuming again, it may be someone of an entirely different gender) isn't interested, or she is currently enjoying the charms of your local mail carrier!

Made famous by a band called The Police featuring Sting (or Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner as he's known to his mother) recorded this song in the halcyon days of 1979.

The song describes a castaway on a deserted island in an unknown location and his attempts to contact civilisation, presumably with a view to being rescued in some way.

The song starts thus...

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear

Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh

We'll forgive him the "an island lost at sea" mistake, how can an island be lost ? Its just an island, current scientific opinion is that islands are just land masses and as such do not have any sentient feelings or a sense of being.

The song continues....

I'll send an S.O.S to the world
I'll send an S.O.S to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle, yeah

Message in a bottle, yeah

Also forgiving Sting's constant repetition, we get the information that he has sent a message in a bottle "to the world". This alone brings up questions such as "Where did he get a bottle?" and "Where did he find a pen and some paper?" Let's just assume they were washed up on the shore when his boat capsized, or whatever tragedy befell him.

Let's get back to the tune...

A year has passed since I wrote my note
I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together

Love can mend your life or love can break your heart

Yeah, OK fair enough. You should have known but, you know, desperate times require desperate measures, right ? Quite profound lines towards the end of the verse though.

Now, this is where the tune goes awry...

Walked out this morning, I don't believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone at being alone

Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home

We'll let him off the "walked out" bit, after a year on the island some sort of shelter will have been built. but, and its (pardon the expression) a BIG BUT, "hundred billion bottles" ? That a hell of a lot of bottles to be washed up on a single shoreline. According to the Food and Agriculture Organisation of the United Nations there are the equivalent of 36 billion bottles of wine produced each year world-wide, so if you include beer, soft drinks, spirits, water etc, there will certainly be enough bottles produced, but it's a little far fetched to think they would all drift towards a single island. The ocean currents must be such that it was pointless sending a bottle out from the island.

And then "hundred billion castaways" ! Where have they all come from? At last count the world population was only around the eight billion mark, is there some intergalactic pirate organisation that is depositing people on deserted islands as a punishment?

Also, where are these castaways ? According to some sources, the number of islands in the world is between 600 thousand and 900 thousand depending on how an island is classified, some countries count islets and rocks, some don't. But the maximum figure is just short of a million, and that includes inhabited islands such as Great Britain or Borneo.

With Christmas around the corner I thought I may as well add a festive song. This offering made famous by the "Father of Rock and Roll", the late, great, Chuck Berry is a catchy number that is played by almost every pop music radio station at this time of year.

The song starts off with the line....

Out of all the reindeers you know you are the mastermind

Brilliant first line, although Rudolph could become a little big-headed if he's not careful. But the next line...

Run, run Rudolph, Randolph ain't too far behind

Who the heck is Randolph ? As far as I'm aware the traditional reindeers are Prancer, Dancer, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Dasher, Vixen and Blitzen, with Rudolph himself only making an appearance during bad weather. In no other song, or for that matter any media whatsoever is there a mention of Randolph. Is he a secret reindeer that Chuck shouldn't have mentioned ? Who knows?

As an aside, on this website there is an informative blog about all of Santa's reindeer, although strangely, no mention of Randolph.

There was an actor called Randolph Scott whose career spanned the time this song was released, however, I very much doubt he would have been following Rudolph and helping Santa!

Anyways, the song continues...

Run, run Rudolph, Santa's has to make it in town

Santa, make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down

Take the freeway down ? Hardly the best travel advice, even on Christmas Eve. When Santa's sleigh and reindeer can fly, why would you bother taking the freeway? This line is a recurring one within the song, so it doesn't get much better.

Two verses are as follows...

Said Santa to a boy child, "What have you been longin' for?"
"All I want for Christmas is a rock 'n' roll 'lectric guitar"

And then away went Rudolph whizzin' like a shootin' star

And...

Said Santa to a girl child, "What would please you most to get?"
"A little baby doll that can cry, sleep, drink and wet"

And then away went Rudolph, whizzin' like a Sabre jet

Now, don't get me wrong, both of these scenarios send Rudolph whizzing off for presents but surely at this stage with Santa on his way (apparently down the freeway) it's a little on the late side ? Although I suppose Wal-mart will still be open.

The only other thing that bothers me is the difference in speed that Rudolph travels for the presents.

The boy's present is collected at the speed of a shooting star which is estimated to be around the 45,000 mph mark, whereas a Sabre Jet set a world record at 671 mph. Whilst the jet is undoubtably fast it is no match for a shooting star. Rudolph is obviously a sexist.

There you have it. A sequel to an earlier blog. I hope I have given you a bit of a laugh, these songs were popular at the time they were in the charts, and I don't mean to degrade them at all. I have written this blog with a humorous aim that is not meant to be taken seriously in any way.

As usual there is an accompanying Spotify playlist, well, in fact there isn't a separate one, I have added these songs to the same playlist as the previous blog in this series and if I find enough songs to do another I will add that to the list too. (I'll do anything to get you to read my blogs)

Here's the link to the playlist!

If anyone has any ideas for similar songs, then please let me know either via these comments, or if you don't want anyone to know, send me a comment on one of my quizzes, and I'll add it to my list for the next blog. (See, I'm trying to get you to take my quizzes as well, in the words of Baldrick, "I have a cunning plan")

It just leaves me to say.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS or HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL.