Dwight Logic - Random

"When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby."

Michael: "Why do you have a diary?"
Dwight: "To keep secrets from my computer."

"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."

"The eyes are the groin of the head."

"It's never the person who you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis. The person who I most medium suspect."

Pam: "Dwight, am I hot right now?"
Dwight: "Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction."

"When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in."

"In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching."

"As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical."

Michael: "Can you tell who’s gay and who’s not?"
Dwight: "Of course"
Michael: "What about Oscar?"
Dwight: "Absolutely not"
Michael: "Well, he is"
Dwight: "Well, he’s not dressed in women’s clothes, so…"

"Women are like wolves. If you want one, you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it."

"Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it."

Oscar: "Don't you want to see the baby?"
Dwight: "Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now."

"Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so, actually, Jim is my enemy."

"Those who can't farm, farm celery."