Adventures in the Veggie Caliphate - Part 1 (CANON)

During  DOTJE part X, my empire’s spy agency had a mission, and they accomplished it.  Do you want to know how they got up to that stage, though?  I have received permission from Tamashii and Geopro to write a blog about that adventure in my DOTJE empire, the Veggie Caliphate.  I hope you enjoy!

_{Events in the blog may not always be relevant to events happening in DOTJE, nor will the actual location of the blog (the Veggie Caliphate) be necessary in the plot of the blog for the most part.}

Clippity Clippity clop.  The camels hooves pattered against the sand and rock on the hard deserts of Niger.  The camel was still going strong, but the driver could hardly bare to keep his eyes open.  They had been traveling with little to no stop all the way from Sana’a.  Their provisions were running low, and there wasn’t any civilization for miles.

“Come on Alab, let’s rest for the night,” said the weary driver.  Alab, being a camel, did not understand anything his master was saying.  “Alab, we must stop,” said the driver again, this time a little sterner.  After some more tiresome arguing, the stubborn camel sat down and the driver got off.  He quickly built a campfire with the last of his firewood, and set up a tent.  Nights in the Sahara could become very, very cold.

As the driver was about to close his eyes, he though he heard camel hooves beating against sand.  “Alab?” asked the driver.  No answer.  He opened his eyes and saw Alab fast asleep.  He looked around, and saw nothing.  Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a dust cloud forming on the horizon.  “Sandstorm?” the weary driver said to himself.  No, that couldn’t be.  The cloud was way too small.  “Bandits,” the driver confirmed.  Darn it, the campfire alerted them of my presence, thought the driver.  He was too tired to feel much sense of alarm, though.  He hadn’t slept in five or six days.  Suddenly, adrenaline kicked in.  “ALAB, GET UP!” yelled the driver.  Alab woke, and the driver mounted.  “Run Alab, run like the wind!”  Alab ran.  He was too late though.

An arrow came hissing through the air, and Alab dropped dead.  The poor driver was crushed by Alab when he fell, and was left there for what felt like a millennia.  The driver could barely breath, so when the bandits came and lifted Alab’s corpse off him, it was a relief.  The next few minutes, though, would be torture.

“So, mister, what would you be doing out in the middle of nowhere?” asked what appeared to be the bandit leader.  There were three of them, the driver could see.

“I… I was delivering a message to Abuja from the mayor of Sana’a,” said the driver.

“And where would these messages currently be,” asked the bandit.  The driver did not answer.  “Tell me the truth, or I’ll slit your throat,” threatened the bandit.

“I am a spy for the newly formed VCIA.  I was in Sana’a to stop a cult forming, that’s the truth, I swear,” stammered the driver.

“And how much do you think MiecraftMan and Tamashii would pay for your ransom?” asked the bandit.

“A few thousand Naturas, sir, I’m one of their top spies.”  Little did the driver know, he just gave the bandits another reason to kill him.

“A top spy, you say?  Interesting.  Me and my brothers don’t take well to government meddlers, but a top spy, that’s very unusual.  Should we ransom him, brothers, or kill him,” said the bandit.

At the second option, the bandits cheered.

“Very well, brothers.  Kill him we shall.  And next time, remember not to meddle with the Dead Camel Syndicate.”

The driver’s screams cut out against the silence of the desert night, but was quickly silenced after a couple seconds.

“Hello Tamashii, how has the investigation in Sana’a been going?” asked MiecraftMan.

“Poorly.  I still haven’t heard back from the agent I sent there,” replied Tamashii.

“And what about the investigation in Riyadh?”

“I sent three spies there to investigate, and they seem to be on a good trail.”

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door.  MiecraftMan got up to let them in.  A weary man walked into the door.

“Have a seat, my friend,” said MiecraftMan.

“Thank you, sir.  I come with news, though I’m afraid none of it is good,” said the messenger.

“Well, we best not be hasty.  Come, have some broccoli with us, then you can get to all of your reports,” said Tamashii.

“Thank you.”  The messenger took a seat, then began to eat his broccoli.  After a couple minutes, he began with his report.  “We have news of Akil, the spy you sent to Sana’a.  We found his dead body and his camel, which was also dead, in the sands of Niger.  His camp was looted, and all of his papers were taken.”

Tamashii rubbed his chin.  “That’s not good,” he concluded.  “Akil had some of the VCIA’s most important papers, and he was one of our top spies.”

“What papers would these be?” asked MiecraftMan.

“Well, first off, he had the assignment of investigating the cult that sprung up all over Yemen.  He also should have picked up some documents from the Macedonians in Egypt, then collected the monthly reports from the other districts he passed.  He also had papers from General Mohammad on the Oman front line.”

“This is bad.  We need to capture these people.”

“Well, the second piece of news is that bandits have been robbing a slaughtering tourists at the Caliphate Falls,” said the messenger.

“Tamashii, I want you to investigate this,” said MiecraftMan.

“Okay, sir.  Who should I send?”

“I think you should go yourself.  And maybe take a couple of your top spies with you.  And maybe a dozen soldiers,” said MiecraftMan.

“Okay, I’ll head out tomorrow.  Let me gather the soldiers and spies.”

“As for you,” MiecraftMan pointed towards the messenger, “thank you for your services.  Go take a warm shower.”

“Ravi, this is no time for diddle-daddle and all sorts of nonsense, the VCIA could be homing on on us as we speak.  We need to get to business,” said the second man.

“Please, Viniga.  You’re paranoid.  The VCIA probably hasn’t even found the body of the spy I killed yet.  They think we’re just some random scumbags that haven’t even spread their influence pass Sana’a,” said Ravi.

“The Dead Camel should show more respect to me, Ravi.  After all, I am the sultan of a former empire.”

“Viniga, you’re fooling yourself.  You have no power or status anywhere in the world, including here.  You’re lucky that I’ve taken you under my arms and provided you shelter and friendship in the Dead Camel.  But if I ever think that you are undermining my leadership, my rule, I will have you executed. Do you understand?”

“Fine.  But we may be getting a little bit off-topic here, perhaps?  Shouldn’t we be discussing our takeover of the Veggie Caliphate?” said Viniga.

“Well, maybe you do have a couple brain cells.  Yes, we should.  I have confiscated some important papers from the spy I killed in the Sahara.  It contained the war plans and updates from the general on the Oman frontline.  If we can stop the army there, that would be detrimental to the Veggie Caliphate.  I have also sent some men to the Caliphate Falls to cause as much chaos as possible and distract MiecraftMan’s and Tamashii’s focus.”

“Maybe we could send assassins after important people in the VC?  That might cause some damage.”

“I want to see the look on MiecraftMan’s face as a kill him.  No, assassins won’t do,” said Ravi.

“Understandable.  I think we should focus and the Oman war and leave MiecraftMan and Tamashii to go frolicking around Caliphate Falls.”

Little did Viniga and Ravi know, a man was listening in on their conversation, and was already reporting back to Abuja.

A soldier near Tamashii nodded.

One of Tamashii’s spies rode up next to Tamashii and reported that the city of Riyadh was approaching.

“Thanks, we’ll be on alert now,” said Tamashii.

“Tamashii, it’s too late.  20 armed riders on camels are already approaching us.  They probably come from the cult’s bases of operation in Riyadh.”

“WHAT!!! Why didn’t you warn me sooner!” panicked Tamashii.

“Sir, I just noticed them, about a minute after I saw Mecca.”

“Troops!  Battle formation!” yelled the highest ranking officer in Tamashii’s party.  The twelve got into battle formation, and the five archers that Tamashii had brought started shorted at the ever shortening distance between Tamashii and the raiders.

Tamashii noticed a couple raiders fall of of their horses, but soon enough the raiders brandished their swords and all out battle started.

The only advantage the Veggie Caliphate troops had was that they were slightly better trained than the cult’s.  Tamashii noticed at least six dead VC troops on the ground, and about ten of the enemy’s.  Tamashii screamed a retreat order, and the six remaining troops as well as the three spies hastily remounted their horses and rode back into the deep desert.

“Tamashii, there’s too many of them!” said a soldier.

“Guys, there’s eight of them and six of us.  They don’t have too much of an advantage.  I think we can take them.  We just need a strategy.  How many of you can shoot a bow decently?”

Two troops raised their hands.

“Okay, good.  I want you two to go out there and snipe as many as you can.  The remaining four of the officers, as well as myself, will sneak around behind them and ambush them.”

“Okay sir,” the troops echoed.

Tamashii watched as the two archers ran up to a sand dune and loaded their bows.  Tamashii then led his soldiers around the dunes and behind the enemy soldiers.  It took around twenty minutes for Tamashii to travel around the dune and get into a good ambushing position, but Tamashii had a feeling it would be successful.

As Tamashii and the troops got into position, Tamashii could see that there was only five troops remaining on the enemy.  Tamashii could see two slumped bodies on the nearby sand dune, though.

Tamashii stealthily led the four remaining troops up behind the enemy, and after they were less then ten meters away, he whistled and the troops sprang into action, instantly killing two of the enemy.  One of Tamashii’s troops then fell, and then another enemy was killed. Eventually, another one of the enemy as well as one of the VC soldiers both fell.

The last remaining enemy soldier backed up into a defensive position, and the two VC soldiers cornered him.  As the VC soldiers got nearer and nearer, the enemy troop dropped his sword, pulled out two throwing daggers from his pocket, and threw them at the VC soldier’s chests.  They hit their mark.  The VC soldiers slumped over, dead.

The enemy soldier then turned towards Tamashii.  Tamashii picked up a dead soldier’s sword, and flailed it around.  No, Tamashii was not trained in combat.  There was no way he could win this.

The enemy soldier got nearer and nearer to Tamashii, and Tamashii was forced into a hasty retreat.  The soldier advanced more and more.  As Tamashii retreated, however, he stuck out his blade and the advancing soldier ran right into it, impaling his chest on the sword.  He fell over, dead.

Tamashii met up with his three spies, and they continued their journey to Riyadh. When they would arrive at Riyadh, they would meet up with the three spies investigating the Salt and Vinegar trades and inform them that Viniga was indeed behind that and also tell them that Viniga was in cahoots with the cult.

“Hello, my friends!  We meet today on some good news and some bad news,” exclaimed Ravi.

“Get to the point,” said one of Ravi’s generals, placing a cigar in his mouth.

“Well, the good news is we have caught two more of the VC’s spies meddling around the the factory.  They have been killed already.  However, their third comrade escaped.  He is currently being hunted throughout Riyadh.  The bad news is that a troop of 20 of our officers were ambushed by Tamashii and killed.”

“Why is Tamashii here?” demanded Viniga.

“Apparently him and three of his spies are on their way to come put an end to us.  But they will not prevail,” said Ravi.

Cheers echoed out from the audience.

“The second piece of good news is that our Salt and Vinegar chips are now being bought all over the former Viniga Sultanate!”

This time, only Viniga cheered.  The other people just started at him intensely.  None of them really liked Viniga’s ego.

Behind the Dead Camel officers, a cloaked man slipped into a nearby room and shut the door gently. He walked up to the desk and started shifting over the papers.  He eventually found the ones he wanted, put them into his jacket pocket, and slipped out the door.  He heard Ravi call the meeting to an end, and the Dead Camel members began to leave.

Four more men then jumped through the window with vacuum cleaners, and began sucking up all of the salt and vinegar chips in the factory.

After their work was done, they jumped back out the window and began making their way off the factory premises.  Suddenly, a cloaked figure stepped in front of them.

“What do you think you’re doing with my Salt and Vinegar chips!” he demanded.

“Do you have a certificate of ownership or something?” asked one of the vacuum cleaner people, who was Tamashii.

“What do you want with a few bags of chips?” the man demanded.

“By the command of his highness, Emperor Miecraftman of the Veggie Caliphate, I have confiscated these chips, until further inspection takes place,” said Tamashii.

“Ah! Miecraftman. He's trying to destroy all traces of the greatest Sultanate to ever grace this planet. But he shall not succeed, I will avenge the Viniga's!” said the cloaked man.

“And who are you exactly?” asked Tamashii.

The man lowers his hood.  “I am the one and only Sultan Viniga!”

He then throws a smoke bomb at the ground, and him with the vacuums of chips disappear.

Ravi and another person then walk out the door, chattering intensely.  Before they can even comprehend what was happening, two of Tamashii’s spies pulled out daggers and shanked them through the hearts.  They dropped to the ground, dead.

“How was the mission, Tamashii?” asked MiecraftMan.

“Very good.  We killed the leader of the cult, and now it’s in shambles.  We also failed to confiscate the chips, and Sultan Viniga escaped.  The dozen troops that went with us also died.  However, besides those small things the mission was very successful.”

“Good job Tamashii!  I hope after accomplishing that important mission, and taking back the important documents that they had stolen, you are looking forward to a long vacation, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, you won’t be getting one.  We need you to track down Sultan Viniga.”

“:(“ said Tamashii.

“Get to work instantly, we need this criminal tracked down.”

“Okay, but after do I get vacation,” asked Tamashii.

“Whatever floats your boat,” said MiecraftMan.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of the internal adventures of the Veggie Caliphate!  A episode will come out after each DOTJE episode with a Veggie Caliphate section.