Dwight Logic - Random

"Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller, should be indestructible."

"Before I do anything I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."

"It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."

"You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once."

"Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do."

"When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby."

"Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck."

"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."

Oscar: "Don't you want to see the baby?"
Dwight: "Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now."

Pam: "Dwight, am I hot right now?"
Dwight: "Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction."

"When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in."

"I signed up for second life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same… except I could fly."

"Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don't hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren't smart. They just like pushing things."

"Will I get over it? Mmm. No. But life goes on."

"Do I have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes. February 14th."