Albuquerque Lyrics Quiz

11:22

What are the lyrics to Albuquerque?

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Answer

Way

back

when

I

was

just

a

little

bitty

boy

Living

in

a

box

under

the

stairs

In

the

corner

of

the

basement

of

the

house

Half

a

block

down

the

street

from

Jerrys

Bait

shop

You

know

the

place

Well

anyway

back

then

life

was

going

swell

and

everything

was

just

peachy

Except

of

course

for

the

undeniable

fact

that

every

single

morning

My

mother

would

make

me

a

big

ol

bowl

of

sauerkraut

for

breakfast

Aww

big

bowl

of

sauerkraut

Every

single

morning

It

was

driving

me

crazy

I

said

to

my

mom

I

said

Hey

mom

whats

up

with

all

the

sauerkraut

And

my

dear

sweet

mother

She

just

looked

at

my

like

a

cow

looks

at

an

oncoming

train

And

she

leaned

right

down

me

And

she

said

Its

good

for

you

And

then

she

tied

me

to

the

wall

and

stuck

a

funnel

in

my

mouth

And

force

fed

me

nothing

but

sauerkraut

Until

I

was

twenty

six

and

a

half

years

old

Thats

when

I

swore

that

someday

Someday

I

would

get

outta

that

basement

and

travel

to

a

magical

far

away

place

Where

the

sun

is

always

shining

and

the

air

smells

like

warm

root

beer

And

the

towels

are

oh

so

fluffy

Where

the

Shriners

and

the

lepers

play

their

ukuleles

all

day

long

And

anyone

on

the

street

will

gladly

shave

your

back

for

a

nickel

Wacka

wacka

doodoo

yeah

Well

let

me

tell

you

people

it

wasnt

long

at

all

before

my

dream

came

TRUE

Because

the

very

a

local

radio

station

had

this

contest

To

see

who

could

correctly

guess

the

number

of

molecules

in

Leonard

Nimoys

butt

I

was

off

by

three

but

I

still

won

the

grand

prize

Thats

right

a

first

class

oneway

ticket

to

Albuquerque

Oh

yeah

You

know

Id

never

been

on

a

real

airplane

before

And

I

gotta

tell

ya

it

was

really

great

Except

that

I

had

to

sit

between

two

large

Albanian

women

With

excruciatingly

severe

body

odor

And

the

little

kid

in

back

of

me

kept

throwin

up

the

whole

time

The

flight

attendants

ran

out

of

Dr

Pepper

and

salted

peanuts

And

the

inflight

movie

was

BioDome

with

Pauly

Shore

And

oh

yeah

three

of

the

airplane

engines

burned

out

And

we

went

into

a

tailspin

and

crashed

into

a

hillside

And

the

plane

exploded

in

a

giant

fireball

and

everybody

died

Except

for

me

You

know

why

Cause

I

had

my

tray

table

up

And

my

seat

back

in

the

full

upright

position

Had

my

tray

table

up

And

my

seat

back

in

the

full

upright

position

Had

my

tray

table

up

And

my

seat

back

Answer

in

the

full

upright

position

Ah

ha

Ah

ha

Ah

So

I

crawled

from

the

twisted

burnin

wreckage

I

crawled

on

my

hands

and

knees

for

three

full

days

Draggin

along

my

big

leather

suitcase

and

my

garment

bag

And

my

tenor

saxophone

and

my

twelvepound

bowling

ball

And

my

lucky

autographed

glowinthedark

snorkel

But

finally

I

arrived

at

the

world

famous

Albuquerque

Holiday

Inn

Where

the

towels

are

oh

so

fluffy

And

you

can

eat

your

soup

right

out

of

the

ashtrays

if

you

wanna

Its

OK

theyre

clean

Well

I

checked

into

my

room

and

I

turned

down

the

AC

And

I

turned

on

the

SpectraVision

And

Im

just

about

to

eat

that

little

chocolate

mint

on

my

pillow

That

I

love

so

very

much

when

suddenly

theres

a

knock

on

the

door

Well

now

who

could

that

be

I

say

Who

is

it

No

answer

Who

is

it

Theres

no

answer

Who

is

it

Theyre

not

sayin

anything

So

finally

I

go

over

and

I

open

the

door

and

just

as

I

suspected

Its

some

big

fat

hermaphrodite

with

a

FlockOfSeagulls

haircut

and

only

one

nostril

Oh

man

I

hate

it

when

Im

right

So

anyway

he

bursts

into

my

room

and

he

grabs

my

lucky

snorkel

And

Im

like

Hey

you

cant

have

that

That

snorkels

been

just

like

a

snorkel

to

me

And

hes

like

Tough

And

Im

like

Give

it

And

hes

like

Make

me

And

Im

like

Kay

So

I

grabbed

his

leg

and

he

grabbed

my

esophagus

And

I

bit

off

his

ear

and

he

chewed

off

my

eyebrows

And

I

took

out

his

appendix

and

he

gave

me

a

colonic

irrigation

Yes

indeed

you

better

believe

it

And

somehow

in

the

middle

of

it

all

the

phone

got

knocked

off

the

hook

And

twenty

seconds

later

I

heard

a

familiar

voice

And

you

know

what

it

said

Ill

tell

you

what

it

said

It

said

If

youd

like

to

make

a

call

please

hang

up

and

try

again

If

you

need

help

hang

up

and

then

dial

your

operator

If

youd

like

to

make

a

call

please

hang

up

and

try

again

If

you

need

help

hang

up

and

then

dial

your

operator

In

Albuquerque

Well

to

cut

a

long

story

short

he

got

away

with

my

snorkel

But

I

made

a

solemn

vow

right

then

and

there

that

I

would

not

rest

I

would

not

sleep

for

an

instant

until

the

onenostrilled

man

was

brought

to

justice

But

first

I

decided

to

buy

some

donuts

So

I

got

in

my

car

and

I

drove

over

to

the

donuts

shop

And

I

walked

on

up

to

the

guy

Answer

behind

the

counter

And

he

says

Yeah

what

do

ya

want

I

said

You

got

any

glazed

donuts

He

said

No

were

outta

glazed

donuts

I

said

Well

you

got

any

jelly

donuts

He

said

No

were

outta

jelly

donuts

I

said

You

got

any

Bavarian

creamfilled

donuts

He

said

No

were

outta

Bavarian

creamfilled

donuts

I

said

You

got

any

cinnamon

rolls

He

said

No

were

outta

cinnamon

rolls

I

said

You

got

any

apple

fritters

He

said

No

were

outta

apple

fritters

I

said

You

got

any

bear

claws

He

said

Wait

a

minute

Ill

go

check

No

were

outta

bear

claws

I

said

Well

in

that

case

in

that

case

what

do

you

have

He

says

All

I

got

right

now

is

this

box

of

one

dozen

starving

crazed

weasels

I

said

OK

Ill

take

that

So

he

hands

me

the

box

and

I

open

up

the

lid

and

the

weasels

jump

out

And

they

immediately

latch

onto

my

face

and

start

bitin

me

all

over

Oh

man

they

were

just

going

nuts

They

were

tearin

me

apart

You

know

I

think

it

was

just

about

that

time

That

a

little

ditty

started

goin

through

my

head

I

believe

it

went

a

little

something

like

this

Doh

Get

em

off

me

Get

em

off

me

Oh

No

get

em

off

get

em

off

Oh

oh

God

oh

God

Oh

get

em

off

me

Oh

oh

God

Ah

aah

I

ran

out

into

the

street

with

these

flesheating

weasels

all

over

my

face

Wavin

my

arms

all

around

and

just

runnin

Like

a

constipated

wiener

dog

And

as

luck

would

have

it

Thats

exactly

when

I

ran

into

the

girl

of

my

dreams

Her

name

was

Zelda

She

was

a

calligraphy

enthusiast

With

a

slight

overbite

and

hair

the

color

of

strained

peaches

Ill

never

forget

the

very

first

thing

she

said

to

me

She

said

Hey

youve

got

weasels

on

your

face

Thats

when

I

knew

it

was

TRUE

love

We

were

inseparable

after

that

Aw

we

ate

together

we

bathed

together

We

even

shared

the

same

piece

of

mintflavored

dental

floss

The

world

was

our

burrito

So

we

got

married

and

we

bought

us

a

house

And

had

two

beautiful

children

Nathaniel

and

Superfly

Oh

we

were

so

very

happy

aw

yeah

But

then

one

fateful

night

Zelda

said

to

me

She

said

Sweetie

pumpkin

Do

you

wanna

join

the

Columbia

Record

Club

I

said

Whoa

hold

on

now

baby

Im

just

not

ready

for

that

kind

of

a

commitment

So

we

broke

up

and

I

never

saw

her

again

But

thats

just

the

way

things

go

In

Albuquerque

Anyway

things

really

Answer

started

lookin

up

for

me

Because

about

a

week

later

I

finally

achieved

my

lifelong

dream

Thats

right

I

got

me

a

parttime

job

at

The

Sizzler

I

even

made

employee

of

the

month

after

I

put

out

that

grease

fire

out

with

my

face

Aw

yeah

everybody

was

pretty

jealous

of

me

after

that

I

was

gettin

a

lot

of

attitude

Ok

like

one

time

I

was

out

in

the

parking

lot

Tryin

to

remove

my

excess

earwax

with

a

golf

pencil

When

I

see

this

guy

Marty

Tryin

to

carry

a

big

ol

sofa

up

the

stairs

all

by

himself

So

I

say

to

him

I

say

Hey

you

want

me

to

help

you

with

that

And

Marty

he

just

rolls

his

eyes

and

goes

No

I

want

you

to

cut

off

my

arms

and

legs

with

a

chainsaw

So

I

did

And

then

he

gets

all

indignant

on

me

Hes

like

Hey

man

I

was

just

being

sarcastic

Well

thats

just

great

How

was

I

supposed

to

know

that

Im

not

a

mind

reader

for

cryin

out

loud

Besides

now

hes

got

a

really

cute

nickname

TorsoBoy

So

whats

he

complaining

about

Say

that

reminds

me

of

another

amusing

anecdote

This

guy

comes

up

to

me

on

the

street

And

he

tells

he

hasnt

had

a

bite

in

three

days

Well

I

knew

what

he

meant

But

just

to

be

funny

I

took

a

big

bite

out

of

his

jugular

vein

And

hes

yellin

and

screamin

and

bleeding

all

over

And

Im

like

Hey

come

on

dont

you

get

it

But

he

just

keeps

rolling

around

on

the

sidewalk

bleeding

and

screaming

You

know

completely

missing

the

irony

of

the

whole

situation

Man

some

people

just

cant

take

a

joke

you

know

Anyway

um

where

was

I

Kinda

lost

my

train

of

thought

Uh

well

uh

OK

Anyway

I

know

its

kinda

been

a

roundabout

way

of

saying

it

But

I

guess

the

whole

point

Im

tryin

to

make

here

is

I

hate

sauerkraut

Thats

all

Im

really

tryin

to

say

And

by

the

way

if

one

day

you

happen

to

wake

up

And

find

yourself

in

an

existential

quandary

Full

of

loathing

and

selfdoubt

And

wracked

with

the

pain

and

isolation

of

your

pitiful

meaningless

existence

At

least

you

can

take

a

small

bit

of

comfort

in

knowing

that

Somewhere

out

there

in

this

crazy

ol

mixedup

universe

of

ours

Theres

still

a

little

place

called

Albuquerque

I

said

A

L

B

U

Querque

querque

Albuquerque

First submitted	December 8, 2022
Times taken	28
Average score	52.8%
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