The Tales of GrandOldLand #3: The Siege of Southeast Asia
Last updated: Wednesday April 21st, 2021
Four new countries have risen, and Vatican City has been annexed. Remember: GOL now has six states (Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba and Saskatchewan, Eastern Europe, Northern Europe, and JetPunkLand). Malkiboy helped with some portions of this production.
Take the new modern-day countries of GrandOldLand on a map quiz, made by GOM himself! (It should be updated after this)
Note: Events are completely fictional. Some lines will have Grandese on the left, and English on the right.
(GrandOldMan is laying down in a hospital bed, coughing. A frightened doctor stands as far away as possible while still holding a cold rag-towel over his forehead.)
GrandOldMan: Vivi si maltrusté! JetPunkers hold ^malhealth! | Traitors! The JetPunkers carry plague!
Doctor: Sir, please calm dow-
GrandOldMan: Famalgrandese?!?! Phe Maldamnvi?!?! | English?!?! How Dare you?!?!
(Doctor quickly sedates him while he rants on)
In Asia...countries are in an "important" discussion
Republic of the Philippines: We finally broke into the capital and conquered the rest of Luzon!
China: How cute!
Tibet: China, you would be ten times smaller without us.
China: What is this?!?! We must ban Justin Timberlake and Justin Bieber and all the other Justins in the world for no reason!
Japan (Echoing across the yellow sea): Ya'll already banned Bieber!
Taiwan: I'd be quiet if I were you...
Laos: Why Taiwan? 'Cause your too stupid to be communist?
- A super-volcano has emerged on Taiwan's surface, spewing ashes directly at Laos
- While no official measurements have been released, scientists estimate that it's summit is nearly 6 times the height of Everest, branching into the atmosphere
In a meeting back in JetPunkLand...
(A cuffed Brazilian blogger is being dragged into King Blogger's castle by a German soldier)
King Blogger: What be the meaning of this?
Soldier: Sir, we caught him trying to type more than 30,000 characters on his blog post. His name is MG17.
King Blogger: 'Tis not a crime. And what is thy name, soldier?
Soldier (Clearing his throat and making eye-contact): Felix, sir.
King Blogger: Felix, I wish for thee to do two things. For one, take this blogger to the admiral here in JetPunkLand. I have seen great blogs from MG17, and I'm sure he would make a find soldier under GrandOldLand. Second, thou shouldst go to Update University and politely ask Stewart to make a major update to blogs so that thy people do not have to go to Coding College to make them. Perhaps say something like blog characters should increase to 50, 000 characters.
Felix: But sir, surely they won't belie-
King Blogger (Handing Felix a badge with the official blog seal): With this, they will.
(Felix gives a quizzical look before switching to an expression of understanding. However, he turns around when King Blogger calls him yet again.)
King Blogger: Felix! When thou meetest Admiral Vedwan, ask of him to recruit every person who wishes to fight.
GOM has finally recovered, and he is in a meeting with felicitators
GrandOldMan: Who are you?
Felicitator: We're the Felicitators.
GrandOldMan: The Felici-what?
GrandOldMan: What is that?
Felicitator: A person who felicitates. If it's your birthday, we say felicits; if you win an award, we say felicits.
GrandOldMan: So like "congrats"?
Felicitator: How dare you say the c-word!
GrandOldMan: I didn't!
Felicitator: The c-word is the fake version of felicits!
Felicitator: You just said it again!
GrandOldMan: Congrats isn't the fake version of felicits. I'm pretty sure it's the other way round.
Felicitator: It's not! Felicits is the only appropriate way to felicitate someone. You cannot use the c-word.
GrandOldMan: There's nothing wrong with the c-word!
Felicitator: There are many things wrong with it! It's disgusting! It sounds bad! Everything about it is wrong! Never use the c-word in front of a felicitator!
(A tall man walks in. He is wearing the same uniform as the felicitators.)
Tall Man: Sticilef!
(All felicitators in room gasp)
Felicitator: How dare you!
(A similar-looking male walks in)
New Guy: Sticilef! Neil and I have arrived with pleasant news. The leader of Pandoria has arrived!
GOM: Hello Admiral Vedwan and Chinese Chen! Bring in our guest!
(Leader walks in. GOM waves off the felicitators, who leave with angered expressions.)
GOM: Tell us a bit about yourself and country!
Leader: Well, Pandorian culture has been around for centuries. Our people was different from the others, and we were the first to sail from the Indian Subcontinent to Ceylon, or present-day Sri Lanka.
Leader: Not to much longer the current group of Sri Lankans arrived and fought us off our island. For the next few centuries, we migrated across the world, from Egypt to Indonesia to Korea. Eventually, we found a perfect plateau to settle in. This plateau was in Anatolia. Fast forward thousands of years, and the Ottomans take over our territory and make us a state. Despite their good treatment, our population could no longer live comfortably within the walls that they had confined us in. After their collapse, we swiftly took over major Mediterranean islands like Crete, Corsica, Sardinia, Sicily, and Euboea before the others could. When the Ottomans first annexed us, we were forced to have one leader instead of many. That leader was the best of the best, called a Pandora. I am the forty-ninth Pandora, therefore giving me the common nickname of Pandora49. When I became leader, I gave a vow to protect my people at all costs. Yet, the Empire of Turnbacktwo threatens our biggest island by both population and area, Sicily. They wish to turn us into nothing more than colonies. So I have told you the story of our country, and now I ask you, GrandOldMan, if I help your people will you help mine?
- The military force of GrandOldLand has just about trippled
- They have given Southeast Asia one chance to surrender peacefully, a chance that Laos, Cambodia, Brunei, East Timor, and Singapore have already taken
- Malaysia, Indonesia, and the Republic of the Philippines plan to ally with each other for the first time
In Southeast Asia...
Republic of the Philippines (ROP): So the alliance is official?
ROP: Okay, I believe you, but don't you dare ever betray us to the Philippines.
Malaysia: Trust us, we won't.
ROP (Smirking): Good. After I finish setting up bases in Luzon, we will conquer the rest of the island chain.
Pandoria (Quickly): Hello, dear cousins. Our army is going to India to pick up resources and we figured we would spend the night here along the way.
Indonesia (Skeptically): But why did you bring your whole army just to pick up resources.
(All face Pandoria with arms crossed)
Pandoria: These aren't just normal resources. We are preparing for war against the Empire of Turnbacktwo.
ROP: Hmm...I guess you could stay on Java...
Indonesia: Of course you can.
(Inside a temporary camp on Java)
Pandorian Soldier (Pandar) 1: Sir! The clock struck midnight! Should I prepare the troops?
General: Have you received word from the Grandese?
Pandar 2: We have, sir. Their army is in Singapore waiting for us to be ready. Then they will advance on to Malaysia. The Grandese say that if we don't keep the element of surprise tonight, even more will die than their war back in JetPunkLand.
General: Well don't just stand there! Wake up the troops lieutenants! Afterwards, tell the Grandese we are ready.
GOM: Wake up a'ya lazy punching bags!
(GOM glances over at soldier sleeping to his right who is snoring loudly)
GOM (Completely in his face): I said, GET UP!
(The soldier remains completely unresponsive. GOM yanks up the covers and sees a well disguised blood stain over his chest. A speaker nearby is playing the snoring sounds.)
GOM: No...no...how did this...it couldn't have...MALMALTRA!
(General Toro walks in with a saddened face.)
Toro: Half our army has been killed in just a couple of hours. I believe there is an imposter among us, sir.
(Man with broad shoulders who wields a vibrating sword walks in)
Broad Man: Indeed. I had great insight on your plans to take over Southeast Asia.
GOM and Toro: Tony?!?!
Broad Man: Yes.
Broad Man: I am the secret weapon of the Republic of the Philippines, trained only to find and kill. What happens next? Guess!
(GrandOldMan and Toro perform a formal death song to the Gods)
Toro: I was sad and lonely....
GrandOldMan: I was old and only....
Toro (Slapping GOM): That's not how the song goes you idiot
GOM: No, I'm actually in pain.
(Toro glances up and sees GrandOldMan is literally glowing. Eventually he fades away and...silence. Tony is gone, and all soldiers on the ship are in perfect condition.)
Toro (Sighing): The Leondapou has begun! Soldiers, the Gods have given us Southeast Asia! Next however, we must find GOM and finish the deal we have made!
If you are confused, no worries. It will make sense next time in The Pact of Pandoria. I had a lot of elements and people to add in this story, so I got carried away and this just got longer and longer. I hope you enjoyed!