If Countries Were High Schoolers | Chapter 1

Imagine a 6'5" 230 pound eleventh grader.

In the seats in front of him and Belarus sat Kazakhstan and New Jersey, his best friends.

Behind him sat Mongolia, North Macedonia, and Armenia, the kids who used Russia for protection against bullying by New Jersey. He wouldn't lift a finger to them while Russia was around.

The bus had suddenly stopped.

They had stopped at the neighborhood where the middle-class [Soviet]s lived. Russia, Belarus, North Macedonia, Armenia, Mongolia and Kazakhstan had been at New Jersey's mansion for a sleepover last night. This Soviet neighborhood is where Armenia, Kazakhstan, Russia, and Belarus lived. North Korea hadn't been able to come due to being chained up in his room after attempting to kill his brother, South Korea.

Ukraine, Georgia, the Baltics, Moldova and Romania, and Azerbaijan with Turkey had gotten on the bus.

Ukraine was chatting with Georgia and trying to go to the back of the bus to sit as far away from Russia as possible.

Russia stuck his foot out in the aisle and Ukraine tripped and hurt his knee.

Ukraine was stunned for a second, and then he began to cry.

Russia began to laugh loudly. Belarus naturally began laughing as well.

Georgia picked a crying Ukraine up to take him to his seat. She glared at Russia as she passed by.

"What the hell, Russia?" Kazakhstan demanded.

"Oh, please. Stop being such a buzzkill." Russia sighed.

"Fine." Kazakhstan murmured.

Turkey and Azerbaijan sat in the seat right behind Armenia, North Macedonia, and Mongolia.

Azerbaijan took a piece of his popcorn and threw it at Armenia.

Armenia then took a pencil from his backpack and smacked Azerbaijan with it.

Azerbaijan grabbed Armenia's hair and began pulling on it.

Russia had to grab Armenia to prevent Azerbaijan from pulling him over the back of the seat.

"Leave him alone." Russia threatened Azerbaijan and Turkey.

"Never." Azerbaijan muttered to himself.

California was behind Azerbaijan and Turkey taking selfies to post on Instagram.

MiecraftMan was across the aisle, staring in disgust.

The bus suddenly lurched forward, and California dropped her phone in the aisle.

MiecraftMan handed her phone back, afraid to touch her in case he contracted her cringe virus.

Qy, Kentucky, and Texas were hooting and hollering in the very back of the bus.

The bus turned the corner and drove in a straight line towards the school.

Indiana was throwing a soccer ball back and forth to Brazil. The ball fell out of control and smacked Paraguay in the face.

"Oh no..." Bolivia exclaimed, mortified. She knew what was about to happen.

It took Paraguay 30 seconds to fully turn around in his wheelchair.

He then grabbed a box cutter.

"YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO-" Maryland protested, but Illinois put a hand over her mouth.

He slowly began to cut at his elbow joint.

He completely detached his forearm by ripping it off, and then jumped up and began smacking people indiscriminately with it.

"Ow!" Georgia got hit in the mouth with Paraguay's arm.

Bolivia jumped up and tried to physically restrain Paraguay.

Paraguay turned around and hooked his arm around Bolivia's neck. He pushed her to the side and then smacked Armenia with his detached arm.

Armenia fell to the floor.

By this time, the bus had arrived at the school. Other students had arrived at school.

The bus driver ran off the bus quickly to avoid being hit.

"...UwU." Japan yelled abruptly.

Everyone, including Paraguay, just stared at Japan.

Stunned, Paraguay turned back around, fastened his arm back on, and sat calmly in his wheelchair.

All students seated on Bus 10001: Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, North Macedonia, Mongolia, Paraguay, Bolivia, Maryland, New Jersey, California, MiecraftMan, Georgia, Azerbaijan, Estonia, Lithuania, Ukraine, Latvia, Turkey, Illinois.

Students in Mr. Turkmen's language class:

(♀ - female, ♂ - male)

Albania ♂

Armenia ♂

Austria ♀

Azerbaijan ♂

Belarus ♀

Belgium ♂

Bolivia ♀

Brazil ♀

Bulgaria ♂

Canada ♀

Chile ♀

China ♂

Croatia ♀

Denmark ♂

France ♂

Georgia ♀

Germany ♂

Hungary ♂

Italy ♂

Japan ♂

Kazakhstan ♂

Kosovo ♂

Liechtenstein ♂

MiecraftMan ♂

Moldova ♀

Monaco ♂

Montenegro ♂

Norway ♂

Paraguay ♂

Qatar ♂

Qy ♂

Romania ♂

Serbia ♀

South Korea ♂

Spain ♂

Sweden ♂

Switzerland ♂

Turkey ♂

United States ♂

*By the way, the broken English is intentional*

*I have markers of gender because I always forget UwU*

*To tell which Georgia is being referred to, pay attention to the pronouns. The US State of Georgia is a boy, while the country of Georgia is a girl.*

"Good morning, class!" the teacher stated. "My name is Mr. Turkmen, I'll be your professor for Language for the remainder of the year."

"First, I'll take attendance." Mr. Turkmen shrugged and picked up his attendance list.

"Ahem... Albania?"

"Këtu."

"Armenia?"

"Aystegh."

"Austria?"

"Hier."

After attendance...

"Okay. We will now begin with our language lesson. Today, we will learn Danish. Denmark, would you like to teach today?"

"Sure." Denmark stood at the front of the class.

"Repeat after jeg. Offentlig."

"Offentlich." Germany incorrectly pronounced.

"No. Let's try...adfeling."

"Abteilung." Germany incorrectly pronounced again.

"Ugh. Now try... brød." Denmark said.

"Bröt?" Germany repeated.

"No, you have to use a hard D, not a soft D." Denmark corrected.

"Vas in fick is soft D?" Germany asked.

"Is the sound at end of “brød"!"

"Bröt?"

"Still hard D! Why can you not use soft D?" Denmark demanded.

"Was is even point of soft D? Hard D is obviously better!" Germany yelled back.

"Hard D has time and place, and now is time for soft D!" Denmark replied angrily.

"Is not my fault that my D is apparently too hard for you? You already of knowings how hard my D is before we start!" Germany protested.

"Ja, but vas expect du could be soften D when want! No permanent hard D!"

"Is not problem with my D! Hardness of D is perfectly normal!" Germany said.

"How is normal? Is almost grotesque!"

"Well SWEDEN sure not seeming mind how hard meine D is!" Germany protested.

Sweden's eyes grew wide.

"You going to trust SWEDEN for honest appraisal of ideal D hardness?" Denmark asked.

"ENOUGH!" Mr. Turkmen bellowed. "Class dismissed."

Denmark spat at Germany before grabbing his bag and lunchbox and storming out of the classroom.

Students in Mr. Belize's debate class:

Albania

Armenia

Austria

Azerbaijan

Belarus

Belgium

Botswana

Brazil

Bulgaria

China

Croatia

Denmark

France

Georgia

Germany

Greece

Hungary

India

Italy

Japan

Kazakhstan

Kosovo

Moldova

Montenegro

North Macedonia

North Korea

Qy

Pakistan

Poland

Romania

Russia

Serbia

South Korea

Turkey

Ukraine

*By the way, the broken English is intentional*

"Today, we will be discussing geopolitics. First up, Turkey and Greece."

Turkey stepped up to one podium. Greece stepped to the other.

"Begin." The teacher demanded.

"Constantinople is of Greek and yuo not real European, stupid kórrupt kebab!" Greece yelled.

"Yuo have luckings but empire stįll of suck! I never into commit any genocide!" Turkey shot back.

"LIAR!" Armenia screamed from the audience.

"Ataturk had seks with goats! And CYPRUS IS MINE!" Greece yelled.

"What you say, of dumb Orthodox! And Cyprus is MINE!" Turkey screamed back.

"You of Asian Turk kebab! And as long as me in EU, me NEVER let yuo become member!" Greece screamed.

"AND HE KILLED ME!" Armenia screamed from the audience.

"I hate yuo!" Turkey yelled.

"OKAY, OKAY!" The teacher signaled to end the debate.

"Um... next... Bulgaria and Macedonia."

Greece stared at the teacher.

"North Macedonia."

Greece sat down.

Bulgaria switched spots with Turkey, while North Macedonia took Greece's podium.

"Begin." The teacher signaled.

"Stupid mongol bugarïn. Go eat horse sperm in steppe and let me into EU, you evil fascist Tatar!" North Macedonia yelled.

"Ne." Bulgaria replied.

"I HATE YUO!" North Macedonia yelled.

"Cool." Bulgaria replied coolly.

"GET OVER HERE!" North Macedonia tried to attack Bulgaria, but the teacher held him back.

The teacher told Bulgaria and North Macedonia to sit down.

"Finally, Kosovo and Serbia. Albania, you may accompany Kosovo, I know how Serbia is."

Kosovo and Albania stood at North Macedonia's platform, and Serbia replaced Bulgaria.

"Begin."

"Kosovo isn't can even into real country. Is just Serb with Islamic." Serbia pointed out.

"But look at it this way. Me speak Albanian, me look Albanian, me like Albania. Why me be Serb?" Kosovo asked.

"There are so many historical Serbian artifacts in Kosovo." Serbia explained. "Yuo is still Serb. YOU HEAR ME! YUO IS SERB! SERB! SERB! SERB!"

Kosovo began to cry. Albania brought him off stage.

"That's enough for today. Class dismissed." the teacher signed and held his nose.

Usual Lunch Tables:

Table 1 (Pro-Russia): New Jersey, Russia, Vietnam, Croatia, Montenegro, Slovenia, Slovakia, Belarus, North Macedonia, Kazakhstan, Mongolia, Armenia, Bulgaria, North Korea

Table 2 (Anti-Russia): Serbia, Bosnia, Greece, Cyprus, Georgia, Ukraine

Table 3 (Cool Kids): MiecraftMan, Qy, United States, Canada, Switzerland, Qatar, Monaco, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Norway, Denmark, Singapore, California

Table 4 (EU): Belgium, Netherlands, France, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Germany, Ireland, Hungary, Poland, Austria, Quebec, Slovakia, Czechia

Table 5 (Kids who just want to eat their lunch): Romania, Lightning, Moldova, New Zealand, Australia, Turkey, Azerbaijan

Table 6 (Muslims): Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Palestine, Sudan, Iraq, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Qatar, Syria, Afghanistan, Iran, Malaysia, Indonesia

Table 7 (The actually fun table): India, Suriname, Guyana, Israel, Thailand, South Korea, Japan, Sri Lanka, Toowise, Bolivia, Paraguay, Argentina, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Cuba, Venezuela, Mexico

Table 8 (Africans): Namibia, Cheese, Botswana, Uganda, Libya, Nigeria, DR Congo, Chad, Kenya, Lesotho, Eswatini, South Sudan

Table 9 (Random people who don't really belong together): South Africa, England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Alabama, Kosovo, Albania

Table 10 (Fat kids): Mauritania, Nauru, Pennsylvania, Washington, Vermont, Rhode Island, Ohio, Wyoming, Bhutan

Table 11 (Smart kids): China, Massachusetts, Panama, New York, Montana, Utah

The rest of the students change tables often. 

Table 4 (European Union Table)

"We need a meeting." Belgium signaled for Hungary to go get the other EU members/candidates for a surprise meeting.

Hungary signed and got up from eating his goulash.

He first went to the Slavic / Russia simps table.

"Croatia, Montenegro, Slovenia, Slovakia, North Macedonia, Bulgaria, you are needed at the EU table."

The six of them (well, actually, Slovenia was holding Montenegro and carrying him, since he had fallen asleep) got up to go to the EU.

Hungary then went to the Kosovo-haters table. All of the people who sit there are EU members/candidates, so he retrieved them to go to the table.

Luxembourg, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark followed suit.

Hungary refused to go near Romania, so he signaled to Moldova to tap him and signal for him to come to the table.

Kosovo and Albania were the last to arrive.

"Alright. We are gathered to discuss candidate accession to full EU membership. The members will now vote on each person. If at least 4 members choose to veto, they will not be granted membership."

"First. Montenegro. Let's see... nobody vetoed."

"Moldova... Hungary, Czechia, and Poland vetoed."

"Albania... Serbia, Bosnia, Greece, and Cyprus vetoed."

"Kosovo... Greece, Serbia, Cyprus, and Bosnia vetoed."

"Turkey... Greece, Cyprus, Serbia, Bosnia, and Bulgaria vetoed.

"CYPRUS? I thought we were friends!" Turkey protested.

"We are not friends." Cyprus whined.

Belgium continued.

"Serbia... Bulgaria, Slovenia, Croatia, Hungary, Poland, Czechia, Italy, and Germany vetoed."

10 minutes later...

"So we have decided... Armenia... Quebec... Moldova... Montenegro... Ukraine... North Macedonia... welcome to the EU!"

Armenia, Montenegro, and North Macedonia looked at each other, knowing Russia would banish them from the table if he found out they joined the EU, but then the other EU members would protect them. Sort of a trade off, really.

Table 3 (Popular Kids)

"I feel like something is off today..." Monaco muttered ominously.

Singapore and California were taking selfies.

"MEXICO! I WANT TÚ KILL YUO!" Colombia screeched, chasing Mexico maliciously around the courtyard.

Mexico was holding a black bag. A few Jolly Ranchers fell out the bag.

United States knew exactly what the bag was for.

"IT BELONG TO MI!" Colombia yelled, and swiped for the bag.

Mexico yanked it away. "NO!" she threw the bag to United States.

He caught the bag and dumped the contents on the table.

Switzerland, Canada, MiecraftMan, and Singapore began stuffing candy into their backpacks and pockets.

"Always ruining the fun, Estados Unidos." Colombia groaned and walked back to sit with Cuba and Venezuela.

"PARAGUAY, STOP SCREAMING!" Bolivia could be heard bellowing.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Paraguay screeched.

Bolivia gave Paraguay a hug.

Paraguay stopped, and a noticeable blush appeared on his face.

Venezuela and Cuba looked at each other like this: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Japan suddenly said "UwU" very loudly.

Everyone stared at Japan.

"..."

"Okay, so for your partner project, you were supposed to create a PG film. Serbia and Croatia, let's see what you created."

"Rat." Croatia spat at Serbia.

"Kebab." Serbia shot back at Croatia.

The film began to play on the camcorder.

"I HATE YUO!" Serbia yelled and tackled Croatia.

Croatia pulled Serbia's hair while Serbia smacked Croatia in her face.

The teacher turned off the film in disdain.

"D minus, Croatia and Serbia. Next, Montenegro and Slovenia, what did you create?"

Montenegro almost fell asleep as he handed the camcorder to the teacher.

The teacher played the film.

Montenegro and Slovenia, in the film, were standing in a completely white room.

Montenegro's eyes suddenly grew small.

With a thud, he fell to the ground, asleep.

Slovenia stared at Montenegro for about ten seconds, and fell to the ground as well.

The teacher turned off the film and stared oddly at Slovenia. Montenegro, by this time, had already fallen asleep.

"C plus. Next, Japan, Taiwan, England, Scotland, your group's film?"

The scene opened on Scotland and England in a public park.

Scotland picked up his bagpipes and began to play. *EEEEEeeEeEeEeEEEeEdEEEEEeEEeDEEEEEEEEEE*

"YOU DARN IDIOT SCOT, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LOUD YOU ARE PLAYING?" England yelled.

"I was just practicin’ me pipes…" Scotland whined.

England turned away. "Well PIPE it down OR I’LL SHOVE THAT BAG FAR UP YOUR BUNGHOLE! Now where was I? Right, doing absolutely nothing."

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEDEDEDEDDEEEEEEEEEEEDEDEDEEEEEEEEEEEEDEDEDEEEEEEEEEEE*

"DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO STOP PLAYING THOSE BLOODY PIPES?" England exclaimed.

"It wasn't me!" Scotland protested.

"So if it wasn’t you, then who’s been playing such loud music?" England asked.

They turned around to see Taiwan and Japan watching... hentai?

"TAH! UH! AHHHH! UHHHHH! EEEEEEEEEDEEEEEEEEDEEEEEEEEEDEDEDEDEDEEEEEEEEE!" the squid in the video shrieked.

"Uhhhhh..." England groaned, confused.

The film ended.

The teacher was stunned.

"Uh... A minus. Very... uhh... creative."

The students were piling outside to either get on buses or get in cars to go home.

Tajikistan and Uzbekistan were having an argument in front of the buses.

"Yuo are rightful Tajik, so you must of speak Tajik!" Tajikistan demanded.

"No, yuo are rightful Uzbek, so speak Uzbek!" Uzbekistan yelled.

"I am not of going to speak yuor dirty crusty dusty Turkey language you kebab rat!" Tajikistan screamed.

"And I am not go to speak yuor Persian ripoff language yuo dumb baboon!" Uzbekistan replied angrily.

"Fine!" Tajikistan yelled.

"Fine!" Uzbekistan screamed.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"UwU!" Japan screeched abruptly.

Everyone looked at Japan oddly.

Tajikistan and Uzbekistan looked at each other, then at Japan, then back at each other. They then walked on their bus.

I hope you enjoyed! Please consider liking the blog and commenting!

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UwU

Also, comment if you would like to be a student at United Nations High School!