Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Hint

Answer

I went _____ recently…for this next joke.

I like all kinds of meat, even _____. “I knew he was white trash.”

I tell you, I thought the IHOP was a dump until I went into a _____ _____.

If you’re out of shape and you’re bowling, you’re probably a _____ bowler.

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That’s why I like to talk to you about _____.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin’ ‘em more… fun to pet, better to _____.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? _____.

Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are _____.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like _____.

Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s _____in the kitchen.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was _____ _____.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're _____ _____."

Ever read a book that changed your life? _____ _____.

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a _____.

I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic _____ _____.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the _____?

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a _____.

My wife always wants me to go to confession - don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't _____ _____ to a holy man

We're all a little weird, we like to think theres someone weirder. I'm sure some of you are looking at me going 'At least I'm not as weird as Gaffigan.' And then I'm thinking 'At least I'm not as weird as those people in the looney bin.' And the people in the looney bin are going 'Well, at least I'm an _____.'

Whenever I'm in church I always have this very introspective look on my face, but I'm really thinking, 'Did I go to_____ twice yesterday?'

I married a woman who loves to camp and I am what you would call _____.

I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in _____.'

I don’t know much about the bible myself. I haven’t _____it. ‘Cause I don’t _____to. ‘Cause I’m a Catholic

Last time i went camping i got a pamphlet that said if a bear approaches i'm supposed to play dead. Really? We're going to rely on my _____ _____?

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, '_____.'